Wednesday, May 14, 2014

How ya' doing?

Doesn't everyone say that, or some version of that when you see them?  Well, I will tell you how I am doing.  Not too great.  Not at this moment anyway.

My head hurts.  My eyes are dry.  My knees hurt when I climb stairs.   So many complaints.

I am feeling blue this morning.  It's humid and I feel clammy.   I know a shower will help that, at least for a few minutes.  But I don't even feel like having a shower.  I want to stay in my pajamas all day.  I tell myself that anyway.   Sometimes staying in pajamas all day IS the right thins to go.   But some days it just keeps the blues running toward me and doesn't chase them away.  This morning is like that.

Yesterday I went to my weekly Starbucks Breastfeeding Cafe'.  I didn't go last week.  The moms were there with their beautiful babies.  One of the moms said that she could see in my eyes that I was not feeling as good as I have in the past.   It shows in my eyes and my face.   I don't know if the people I am closest with notice.  Maybe they do and don't want to.  Maybe they really don't notice because they see me all the time.  It is hard to see change in things you look at all of the time.  Or maybe they cannot see my worry and saddness over their own.

I am so used to managing and micro managing everything.  I need to let go for my own mental health.  But it is so hard.   Nick and family will be going to the hospital with me.  I will be residing in my hospital room.  They will be residing somewhere else.  Probably a hotel.   I get into conversations about hotels and prices and parking and shuttles and ....   Wait, this is not my problem.  My housing is taken care of.  Let them figure it out.  It is so hard to keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself.  

Youngest child is home for a day or so.  He has been driving with expired tags and inspection sticker.   Last night Nick said "I guess we'll have to take care of it".   I said "we".  How can I help, really?  I cannot drive right now.  Nick meant the parental "we".  Nick took care of it, mostly.  The car did not pass inspection.  It needs new motor mounts.  For somewhere around $400.00.   Stay out of this Nancy.   Not my problem.  But I make it my problem.  Somehow.

Is this what being a mother is?  Or is it that I like to be in control?  Or is it that I am pretty good at getting things done and don't trust anyone else to do it right?  A bit of all of those I guess.

Last night I dreamed about my brain tumor.  I dreamed that they found it to be cancerous.   They did not put the piece of skull back so they could go back in and do whatever it is you do about cancerous brain tumors.  We were all sitting around a conference table;  the doctor, Nick, Carol, Courtney and me.   Carol was crying, Nick and Courtney were in shock.  I was talking, asking questions.  Asking about options. 

I hope that is not the case.  It is pretty unlikely.  But I am always thinking about the "what ifs".  

Okay, it is almost 11:30 AM.  I have had breakfast, had my coffee and written in my blog.  Now I think I will go lie down for a bit.  Then I will take a shower.

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