Thursday, October 31, 2013

Trick or Treat

Yup, it's that time of year.  I was really feeling pretty bah humbug about Halloween this year.  No little kids in my life.  I mean who I would be sewing for and such.  All of the years I sewed costumes for all five kids has come to an end.  No grandchildren on the horizon.  Just sort of "eh".

We broke down and bought candy- half off because we waited so late.  No pumpkin.  I stopped at Big Lots  when I was out today and got some decorations- picture to follow.  Didn't even carve a pumpkin this year.  

We had loads of kids.   Most of them little, looking sort of shell shocked.  They are the one's whose parents will be eating all of their candy.  Been there...  There were a few groups of teens.  All in all, everyone was nice and cute.  The only original, home made costume was a kid with a laundry basket over her head with clothes hanging from it.   Cute!

I had one of my photos of the Grand Canyon made into a poster to hang over the sofa in the family room.  It's a picture that I really like a lot.   While waiting for trick or treaters, I sat at Nick's computer in the study.  I started to look at some of his photos.   I had seen them before, but this time I saw more than I recalled seeing before.  His pictures of Bryce Canyon are stunning.  I plan to make some blow ups of those pictures.  They need to be seen and shared.   That part of the country has such amazing geology.  The colors are spectacular.   I am so sorry I got sick when we went to Bryce last year.  I just could not stay at the high elevation.

I am planning to go on a food plan that I hope will help me lose the 100+ ponds I need to lose.   I am pretty sure that would make a world of difference in my ability to stand high elevations.   

And as for weight.  What a sucky subject.  I know that I am way over weight.  But I like to pretend that I am not.  I see pictures of myself and do not recognize myself.   I see myself in the mirror and look away.  Being fat is something embarrassing and some how shameful.  It proves that you don't have any self control and are a lazy slob.     I know that I am not a lazy anything.  Though I know that I dress like a slob when I am knocking around the house. 

One of the reasons it is hard to lose weight, at least for me, is that I have to admit that I have a problem.  And that I may be responsible for it myself.   I can blame it on all sorts of things.  Many of them are really and truly good, honest reasons.   But I need to do something about it.  Ok, that's enough on that uncomfortable subject.

Oh, I passed my lactation exam.   I studied hard for it and it paid off.  I was pretty sure I would pass.  Nick asked me what I would do if I didn't pass.  I told him that, honestly, I would be devastated.   I really would.  I am so good at what I do.  I know that I have made a difference in so many women's lives.  Sometimes I help with my technical knowledge, but mostly I empower them to see what they can do themselves.  I help women feel good about their abilities and wishes and goals.  I always tell moms that we are about finding success, and that it may not be what you expected, but it is there.

Ok, that's that for tonight.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Halloween and random other stuff

Nick and I went to our monthly extended family group dinner.  Costumes were optional.  Well, for Nick and I, that means we have to wear a costume.  After so many years of sewing costumes, I was out of the mood for being that creative.

I bought a couple of little kid hats at the grocery store.  I thought they looked a bit like a fox, and thought we could be "What does the fox say" that catchy ear wig song.   But we decided that nobody in the group would know what that was.  Austin came up with the idea "Fox News".  We brain stormed and came up with a cute costume idea. I have yet to figure out the editing stuff on this blog.  I don't seem to be able to write anything after/ below the picture.  Oh well, never mind.
  And here it is:  

Saturday, October 19, 2013

so tired and sad

These last few months we have been watching Pooh shrink away.  He was, up till about 6 months or so ago, the most gregarious, friendly, purr-full and affectionate cat.  He had his "crazy time" every evening, running back and forth from the family room into the kitchen and back.  Often pushing off of furniture as he sped past.

He has been losing weight at a very noticeable rate.   He went to the vet and there really was not a whole lot that could be done to help Pooh get better.

So we watched him get thinner and weaker.  He never ever lost his lust for food.  But it went right through him.  In the last few weeks we have had newspaper spread all over the house, and extra kitty litter  throughout the house.  Poor guy.  He really tried to be tidy, but he just couldn't- especially with his long, beautiful hair.

Last week we took him to the vet, thinking we were saying good bye for the last time.  Nick had some questions and the vet said that there was one more "hale Mary" pass we could try.  So we tried.  But it didn't work.  Pooh had maybe a little bit more energy for a day or two, but his digestive problems never resolved themselves.

We have all been losing sleep, wanting to be able to take care of Pooh if he needed us.   Last night, Pooh spent several happy hours just sitting and resting in Austin's lap.  For that I am really grateful.  Today we kissed him goodbye as he went to sleep for a final time.

Pooh was a giving and loving kitty.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Saturday, October 12, 2013

An emotionally exhausting day

I have posted pictures of Pooh Cat here recently.  He has been sick and in decline for a while.  Yesterday I told Nick that I thought it was "time".  I made an appointment to go to the vet to be euthanized.    I cried.  I felt sad.  He is such a beautiful, sweet, special cat.  The best cat ever.

Nick said he wanted to ask the vet if there was anything that we could do to help Pooh feel better.  I agreed, but, was sure that the vet would take one look at Pooh and say that he was too sick.

We talked to the vet who was very caring and understanding.  He said that while Pooh is not getting better, we could try a shot of steroids to see if it helps his digestive issues (diarrhea) and give him a few more days or even weeks of good life.    It seemed like something to try.  So, Pooh got a shot and some special food and we brought him home.  Alive.

It is so hard.  All the crying we all did preparing to say goodbye to our sweet boy.  Then being given a reprieve- however long or short.

Loving is hard because it involves being able to say goodbye and still being here to live on.

I don't cry much or often.  When I do though, it is real and sad and painful and draining.    I am drained. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013


I think about all of the losses I have had in my life.  It's a lot.  Everyone experiences loss.  Loss of a sibling.  Loss of a friend.  Loss of a parent. Loss of a pet.  And worst of all, loss of a child.

All of the losses really weigh me down.  But, recently it occurred to me that, while these are huge holes in my life and my heart, these losses are not only mine.   When I lost my brother, my kids lost an uncle.   Each and every one of the losses in my life have been losses to my family in one way or another. 

Sometimes it is the loss of a family member- my family is their family after all.   I have lost some friends over the years.  Some my kids have known and, most they have not.  But each of those losses effects them too because when I lose a piece of the puzzle that is me, the people who share my life with me have lost that part of me that was special with that friend.   So I have another piece of myself gone.

Our cat Pooh is close to death.  That's what has me thinking about this stuff.  He has been with us for over 14 years.   We love him.  We know he will be gone soon and we will cry and be sad and heart broken.   I know that if we took him to the vet, we would be told that the kindest thing would be have Pooh put to sleep.   Maybe so.  I am pretty sure that if I didn't have Nick and Austin's feelings to consider, I would have taken Pooh a while ago.

Pooh is absolutely skeletal.   He keeps losing weight- as of yesterday he weighed only six pound.  This is the cat everyone use to laugh at because he was so fat- almost twenty pounds once upon a time.

Then, he fools us all.  He eats like there's no tomorrow (he may know something).  He walks all over the house, upstairs and down.  Into chairs and onto the kitchen table.  How he does it I do not know.  

His poop is the stinkiest thing in the world.  Awful diarrhea. Oh god it is terrible.  And that alone makes me believe that his next breath could be his last.

Yet, right now he has managed to climb/ jump into the soft chair here in my study.  He is lying in a "C" and he is purring like he did as a kitten.  Loud like a power saw.

I am afraid of losing loved ones, furry and human.   But it happens.  Too all of us.   I don't get it, but I am sure a lot of people cannot make sense out of it.

That's why religion can be so important and can take such a stronghold on a person.  We need the comfort of a story that explains life and death and their meanings.   And that's when I kind of, almost, wish I had a faith that I could soak in.

Busy this week, as all of my weeks seem to have been lately.  One LC call yesterday.  One tomorrow, Two Thursday.   So many mothers and babies.  I guess that's my faith!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

It's already October!

I keep meaning to write and then when I sit down in front of my computer, I can't think of anything to say.   Honestly, I am always thinking "I should write about" whatever is on my mind.

It's been a busy few weeks with lactation work.  That's a good thing both financially and because I love the work.   I almost always find the situation better when I make my follow up calls.  Every now and then things are not that much better.  I try to help the moms come up with some other ideas of how to find their own breastfeeding success.   

There is an ad on TV where this guy has people painting on a sign.  They are supposed to be writing what their dream job would be if they could choose anything.  Every time I see that ad, I think -I am doing my dream job!  My biggest problem is that there is not enough time to help every single mom in the world who needs my help.   I know that there are lots of other LCs out there who are good and even great.  I also know that there are a few in this area who are not so good.  I all too often have to clean up their messes.

I went to church for two weeks in a row.  Once alone and the second time with Nick.   It was nice.  I enjoyed it a lot.  So why have I missed the last two weeks?  I just don't know.  Partly I think it is too much work to get up and go out on a Sunday when I don't really have to.   I know a lot of people there, but I feel like I have run out of things to talk about.   Not sure what it's all about really.

One of the things I have noticed is that everyone is getting old.  Duh.  I mean, yeah, of course we are all getting older.  That's how it works.   But when you don't see folks for a while, it is a bit of a surprise to see a whole, familiar congregation growing jowls.  It's funny.  We all seem to develop our aging patterns in pretty much the same way.  Those little lines that run from the corners of the mouth down the chin.  They almost look like the lines on a ventriloquist's dummy's mouth.   On cue.  Like the babies I see each week at Starbucks.  There is a flock right now who are all within a couple of weeks of each other in age.  Their moms talk about head support and teething and tummy time.  Of course we are all, old and young, individuals.  But there are the expected patterns of development and aging. 

Oh, I have written something.  Now I feel so much better!  Whew!