Friday, August 30, 2019


"Det er full bragt"
"It is done." 
That's what is Norwegian.   I suspect that it's a biblical reference on the headstone.
 The family burial site in Farsund, Norway  The finality of life. 

And so, the house we have owned since 1983 has sold.  Another family owns is now.  Our time there is done.  It's not really a death.  More of a transition.  So strange.  I wonder if I will dream about the house where we raised our babies.  Kids.  Teens.  I wonder what the kids think?   Is it part of their dream life?    I have dreamed about most of the houses we have lived in.  

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Three weeks in

It's been three weeks since my knee replacement surgery and a little more than that since discovering a blood clot in my calf.  I've been mainly sleeping in the recliner in the family room.   I never even used to sit in this chair, but for now it's the only place I can be comfortable.    My right knee- the one that was not operated on, functions normally. So, for instance,  if I sit on a chair my right foot sits in the floor in a relaxed, comfortable way.  My left knee doesn't bend as far, so it  is in an awkward position sticking out ahead of where it would normally be. And since it hurts and is sensitive, I can't just move it into a more comfortable position without being really careful not to hurt myself.

I stopped lying down to sleep in bed or even on the sofa because somehow something in my legs stretches or snaps or somersetting and hurts like shit and makes me scream.  It's like a charlie horse and I need Nick to get up and help me.

And on another subject, we are finally closing the sale on our house in Reston.  After living in the new house for over a year, we feel like we are in the right house.    I asked Nick if he feels emotional about signing the papers.  He said that if it had sold right when we first put on the market we would have felt sad and nostalgic.

I have taken narcotic pain medicine so don't think  I am too coherent.     I'll read this tomorrow and edit it.

Good night

Friday, August 23, 2019

Blood clots hurt

My left calf has been tight,  So tight. And tender. And the bulge behind my knee is exquisitely painful.   Crying into a pillow painful.

I've never had knee replacement surgery before so had no expectations.  That is except I was pretty sure if would be painful.

The first few days after surgery I was in total agony.  Lifting my foot even an inch was almost impossible. Getting into bed, getting into or out of the car had to be done in slow motion.  And of course there's the vocalization.  Ohhh it hurts.    I am getting better at moving  my limbs.
I am so sad about Kitty Cat's death.  She had a blood clot.  I have a blood clot.  It really is painful.   Life makes no sense.

And for whatever reason, I am feeling very mortal.  Yes, I could live another 30 years or more.  Or, I could have a little blood clot and fall over dead in an instant.

 This is how the back of my leg looked on Sunday the 18th

This is how much my leg swelling up two days later

Oh yeah, and I am not allowed to fly anywhere.  Not sure for how long.

Sunday, August 18, 2019

A rough week

I am still experiencing quite a bit of pain from my knee surgery.  I have more mobility than right after surgery and less pain, but I am still pretty disabled.

The harder thing this week was losing Kitty Cat.   Kitty Cat was a beautiful cat and she was Austin's love.   She was a sweet, shy cat, but she really knew Austin and was attached to him. 

My son had to make some very difficult adult decisions.  He did so with a lot of thought and care and love.

I wish I could guard all of my children from pain.  I am in awe. 

Friday, August 16, 2019

Monday, August 12, 2019


I am going to write a little bit here as a sort of note/ reminder to myself.   I am afraid that in however many months pass, and my knee is feeling  great I will forget how it feels right now.  I hope that it will feel great.  I hope that I will feel like this knee replacement surgery was the best decision I ever made.

It's been six days since my surgery and I hurt like I never could have imagined possible.   It's horrible.  I ask myself what made me think that this was a good idea.   The first day or so there was still medication on board that kept the pain down and I think gave me greater mobility,

Now I hurt.  A lot.  Honestly, I am a little bit better at putting my leg into bed without help.   A small thing, but my current reality.

I hate taking pain medicine, but I have to or I will tear myself out of my skin with the pain.

Time to take a shower, take some drugs and have Nick take me to physical therapy.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

Taking a knee

Okay, I understand that the expression "take a knee" has nothing to do with my knee.  But my knee was worked over the other day

I have written quite a bit about my knees.  They have both been bothering me (as in hurting)for ages.  Tuesday I had surgery on my left knee.  A total knee replacement.  They dope you up pretty good and having you walking right after surgery.  I walked from the OR stretcher right into my room and onto my bed.

Thing is, there were  a lot of drugs on board, plus a "block" in my thigh.

By yesterday, the drugs were wearing off.  And I got sent home.   And it's hard and it hurts so much.   Thank goodness Nick is here.  I cannot even lift my foot high enough to put on my pants!

My step sister, who's a nurse,  came and spent some time with me today so Nick could go out and grocery shop.

I am feeling pretty loopy and still sore.   I look forward to the pain leaving me.

Monday, August 5, 2019

Piece by piece

There's a song I love, that I actually learned from the Muppet's Show.  It's called The Garden Song, by John Denver.  It starts with these lyrics:

Inch by inch, row by row
Gonna make this garden grow
All it takes is a rake and a hoe
And a piece of fertile ground
Inch by inch, row by row
Someone bless these seeds I sow
Someone warm them from below
Till the rain comes tumbling down
Pulling weeds and picking stones
Man is made of dreams and bones

Dreams and bones.   I thought of this song because I feel like I have been taken apart and put back together a piece at a time.

I dreamed of babies and children and I was the fertile ground where they grew.   I watched them grow as I grew too.  Into the mother of adults.   As they have grown into adults, I have grown into an older, maybe more fragile person.

I never really have thought of myself as fragile.   Mostly I have thought of myself as strong and self sufficient.  Of course I have had Nick to lean on.  But that adds to my strength rather than diminishing it.

Then five years ago I was diagnosed with the first of two brain tumors and all of a sudden I felt fragile.  But surviving that, and a second tumor/ brain surgery three years later took a lot out of me.  But still made me even stronger in so many ways.

And now, it's the bones. Dreams and bones.  My bones are now my weak bits.  My knees have decided that it's time to start hurting me and stop being taken advantage of.

Makes me think of another song, by Joni Mitchell in which she sings 

"don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?"  

So, tomorrow I am trading in one of my "fragile", painful knees for a new high tech (I am guessing at the high tech part) knee replacement.

I feel like my new scar from knee surgery is my badge into the club of old people, senior citizens.    It's okay, It had to happen and I am glad I am here.

I might write more after my surgery tomorrow.  We'll see.