Really?

Yes, really.  I have a brain tumor.  How strange is that?   I have been feeling not so great on and off for a while.  But since I tend to get exotic things like swine flu and blood clots and broken bones, I just figured I was low and needed to eat better and rest.  Or something.  My thyroid is low and I started on a new medication and a new dose recently, so I thought that might be a part of it.

Then, last week, I saw my doctor and complained about vertigo and headaches.  The second time I saw him last week, with the same symptoms, he sent me for a "stat" MRI. 

Well, low and behold, they found something that shouldn't be there.  A tumor.  I must be in the denial stage, because, while I am concerned, and getting tired of the headaches, I am not freaking out- yet.

I have a meningioma.   I have several appointments with several neurosurgeons next week.  Second and third opinions please, this is my brain we are talking about here.

The MRI place sent me off with a disc of my tumor.  Actually, of my whole brain.    I have been carrying it around, afraid to look at it.  But, this evening, I decided to have a look.    Nick and Austin have both been complaining of headaches.  So I thought, maybe I have whatever they have.  Not a tumor at all.

I loaded the disc.  There are tons of images.  Fascinating to look at really.  I was not grossed out or weirded out at all.   I scrolled through the images of my brain.  I found an image of  my profile and realized that I actually have a pretty nice profile.  Never looked at it from quite that angle before!

And then, I found *it*.  Yup, I could see the tumor.  It's a white blob where there shouldn't be any kind of blob.  I thought about trying to copy it so I could paste it here, but decided that I shouldn't.  Not everyone looks at the world the same way I do, and most people would be upset to see it.

I have decided not to name my tumor.  Some people do that.  I don't want to.  I am hoping that it is just a temporary resident, soon to be evicted.

I am noticing little things that Nick says are not new.  Maybe not, but I am only just  more aware of them.  I am having some trouble retrieving words.  And I am really goofing up at spelling.  I have never been a great speller, and will be eternally grateful to spell check.  But I can tell that I am making mistakes that are even more apparent to me than usual.

I keep finding humor in most everything.  But, after hours of pain (headache) and some vertigo, I feel pretty dragged out.

I am not going to do lactation consulting home visits for a while. I am not retiring, just working on figuring out the next step on this journey.   I am mostly not driving.  It's nice that Nick is retired and is so available.   I do plan to keep going to the gym, but not participating in the more vigorous activities, like spin class.  At least for now.

And that's where I am and what I am up to.