Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Almost two weeks

It's been almost two weeks since I found out I have a brain tumor- a meningioma to be more precise.   Which means I have had a headache for more than that long.  It is constant.  Sometimes more intense than other times.  Righ now it is pretty bad.  I feel like I need to close my eyes so I can stand it.  I am going to bed in a few minutes.

I have been pretty upfront and open about this.  I have not been sad or too freaked out, just going along with it because it is what it is.    I know I will be alright.

Then, this morning it hit me and for the first time, I cried about it.  I am so tired of feeling like this.  I want to go to the gym.  I want to do anything at all.  But I am in too much pain and I feel like just sitting and doing as little as I can is the best way to handle it.  At least for me,  For now.

So I had my little cry and felt better.

Spent a couple of hours at Starbucks, with "my" moms and babies.   My head hurt, and I was not as involved and engaged as I usually am.  But for those few hours, I was able to almost forget how much my head hurts.   I was able to smile, and make some darling little ones smile back.  I got to share in the happy news that one of the moms is pregnant with her second baby.  I got to empathize with the moms who are going back to work soon, and hear them as they sounded out their plans for child care.

I wish I could do more.  I do.  But right now, I am doing enough I guess.  I am thinking of all of the possibilities.   Surgery?  Medication?  Radiation?   Gama knife?   So many things and I don't even know what the possibilities are or the choices right now.

I want my head to stop hurting.   I want my energy back.  I still have my joy, it is just taking a bit of a slow down and rest too.

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