It's been almost two weeks since I found out I have a brain tumor- a meningioma to be more precise. Which means I have had a headache for more than that long. It is constant. Sometimes more intense than other times. Righ now it is pretty bad. I feel like I need to close my eyes so I can stand it. I am going to bed in a few minutes.
I have been pretty upfront and open about this. I have not been sad or too freaked out, just going along with it because it is what it is. I know I will be alright.
Then, this morning it hit me and for the first time, I cried about it. I am so tired of feeling like this. I want to go to the gym. I want to do anything at all. But I am in too much pain and I feel like just sitting and doing as little as I can is the best way to handle it. At least for me, For now.
So I had my little cry and felt better.
Spent a couple of hours at Starbucks, with "my" moms and babies. My head hurt, and I was not as involved and engaged as I usually am. But for those few hours, I was able to almost forget how much my head hurts. I was able to smile, and make some darling little ones smile back. I got to share in the happy news that one of the moms is pregnant with her second baby. I got to empathize with the moms who are going back to work soon, and hear them as they sounded out their plans for child care.
I wish I could do more. I do. But right now, I am doing enough I guess. I am thinking of all of the possibilities. Surgery? Medication? Radiation? Gama knife? So many things and I don't even know what the possibilities are or the choices right now.
I want my head to stop hurting. I want my energy back. I still have my joy, it is just taking a bit of a slow down and rest too.