Monday, April 7, 2014

I feel like I should be angry

Spring time and daffodils 

This stupid tumor.  Makes my head hurt.  And the constant hurting makes me tired and worried and scared and a bit depressed.  And I feel so done with this.    But I don't think I am angry.  I feel like I "should" be angry.  But I am not.

I sort of want to be taken care of.  Not begrudgingly, but genuinely.  I feel bad when I ask for some jobs or chores to be done and instead of "sure, I'll do that" I hear "why are you making more work for me?"    I am used to it, but at this particular time in my life, when I am busy carrying a tumor around, I need kindness and caring and giving.  Please, anyone who is reading this, do not take this as a criticism.   It is not meant to be.  It is not about You, it is about ME.  

This is so scary.   I know I am not the only one scared.  I do know that.  But I am the only one who not only feels the fear, but the pain.  And the anticipation.  I am pretty sure I am going to have to have surgery.  I don't want to have surgery.  I don't want to experience pain.  I know I can do it.  I have had a lot of surgery in my life.  I have never looked forward to it though.

I am afraid that I will have deficits.  I will possibly lose some of my abilities.  My mind might not be right.  Or, my mind might be as sharp as ever but I will only be able to talk slowly or poorly so nobody understands.  What if I can't knit any more?  Or read?

I don't even want to make any more appointments.  I just want them to be made for me and be taken to them.

I went to an all day LLL Leader conference yesterday.  Another Leader drove me, and a third Leader went with us too.  They both had little ones with them.   I had a terrible headache through the day.  But, since I was not driving, I was able to take some percocet to dull the pain some.

Of course, I am no longer one of the young, pregnant moms, nor am I one chasing a toddler all over the place.   There was actually one Leader there who is older than me, and a few contemporaries.  It was fun through because we have so much mothering experience, and wisdom, that the newer moms like to hear what we have to say.   There was one session where "millennial mothering" was the topic.   At the beginning of the session, the lactasouroses were asked to let the millennials talk.     What a great new word! 

One thing that is interesting about having this tumor, I can drink coffee late in the evening and still go right to sleep when I get into bed.   That has never been the case before!

Something I mentioned on Facebook the other day is that the weeping cherry tree in the back yard is starting to bud and bloom.  It was a gift from some long time LLL friends when my mom died.  yes, there is life after death!

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