Thursday, April 17, 2014

Grumpy morning

This morning we were woken up by a junk phone call.  Clearly the guy had an Indian accent, and from the background noise I could tell he was in a call center.  I handed the phone to Nick.  Nick told the guy that the call was being recorded, and the guy hung up!

And my head was hurting.  Why did I have to wake up from a pain free sleep to a banging killer headache.  I was feeling pretty crummy, and very pissed off.

How is it that I have a brain tumor?  I mean, really?  REALLY?  This was not on my agenda at all.  Of course it could be worse.  There''s always someone with worse problems.  Yada yada yada.  Yes I know that.  I have lived all over the world.  I have seen it.  Life really sucks for a lot of people.  I wish I could fix it.  I do.  But right now I am feeling selfish and wishing I could just fix myself.

This morning I sat out on the deck with my eyes closed and the sun shining in my face.  I was not wearing a jacket, and it was a little cold.  But it felt good.  As I have expressed before, that pain at least means you are alive.  I guess cold does too.  I mean, if I was not cold sitting in 40+ degrees, I would be dead.  Or at least, not have any feelings or sensitivity.  Or something.

So, I sat there with the sun shining through my eyelids, shivering a bit and thinking that I would open my eyes and this whole thing would turn out to have been a really sucky dream.  I know better.  It's like wishing for the tooth fairy.   I want a tumor fairy.  I was going to write that I want to go back to being a little kid and being taken care of.  But that would not be true really.   My childhood was not full of magic and dreams come true.   And there is  no happily ever after.  At least there isn't any happier any better than my life has turned out so far- which is pretty good.

I wonder what is going to happen?  Next week when I see the doctor, what is he going to say?   When am I going to have surgery?  Am I going to have surgery?  Should I be scared?   How much "better" can I get after all is said and done?

Took Percocet at 11:00.  Head still hurts, but not as bad as without the drugs.

I didn't take a shower yesterday, but rather stayed in my pajamas all day.  It was something I needed to do.  Today I need to take a shower and get dresses so I can feel human again!

No comments:

Post a Comment