Yesterday I actually didn't feel too bad. I thought, maybe I don't really have a brain tumor. Maybe it was all a mistake. I think, maybe part of why I was feeling better was that I can see an end in sight. Well a new beginning anyway. An end to the tumor (fingers crossed), but a new beginning with a shaved and stapled head. Recovering. Maybe re-learning some things. Probably not. Gaining a new perspective. Being a survivor.
I thought living through childhood and childbirth and my 50s made me enough of a survivor. Nope, my brain had a different agenda. I didn't have anything to do with this new situation/ transition. Lessons learned I guess. Never think you know it all or you will get knocked on your ass by something you don't expect at all. No, I am not saying that I am a know it all. I am saying that I was feeling like this turning 60 thing was going to be great! I was really working hard at getting fit. My energy has been low, but I have been attributing that to my thyroid. Well, dear thyroid, I got it wrong, partly at least. My thyroid was/ is low, but I suspect that the greater energy drain was more of a "brain drain". Pain really eats your energy big time.
Today was not so easy. When I woke up, I decided that I have changed my mind. I don't want to have my head cut open. I don't really have anything wrong. Nothing a good nap won't fix. Ha ha, can't fool the old noggin though. Tumor is still there. Yup.
It was a nice day out today. I had workers in the yard. Family and dogs on the deck. Then more family in the family room. After a while, when my head was feeling that vice grip it gets, I told everyone that they had to go home. I know that they all understood why. I know that they were okay with it. At least I hope that they did. I felt so rude, as soon as I opened my mouth. But I was in pain and exhausted and done. Just done. I know everyone is worried and I know that I am loved. I am super sure of that. But I need to get better.
I have my advocates; my sister and my husband. I have always been a pretty good advocate for myself. But right now, I am not really myself. I am not my own person. I am partly my family's, I belong to my friends and my children. By "belong to", I mean, they are all dealing with their own lives and now this tumor had jumped in front of them shouting "Nancy Nancy Nancy" and they worry and are sad because it is so scary and uncertain and dangerous. And we all wear a brave face. And everyone says "let me know if there's anything I can do". And they mean it. But there is not a whole lot anyone can do. Nick cooks and he and Austin know how to clean. I think having company will be nice while I am recovering. I hope it will be.