Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Just past the two week point

On Facebook I wrote that I am three weeks out from surgery.  Well, I was wrong.  I am just over two weeks out.  I am "on the other side" of the surgery.  This is where I wanted to be, and here I am.  I guess when you go to the "other side"  (sounds more mystical than it is), it means you have made a transition from "before" to "after", or even "Now"

I went to the hospital.  I got drugged.  I got cut open and denuded of my brain tumor.   I got a very sore throat and a head full of staples.   I got to wake up and know about it and think about it and write about it.  All good things.  I am not disabled in any way that I am aware of at the moment.  I suspect that once the staples are out of my head (they come out Thursday), I will start to "feel" more normal.  

Eventually I will be driving and going to the gym and doing everything I was doing before the tumor.  Except, I will always know that I have had a tumor.  In my brain.  That my brain has been opened up and mucked about with.  In necessary ways of course, but still.   It is so so secret what goes on in there.  The structures are isolated.  The tumor is removed.   The bone flap goes back.  The skin covers it all up.   Everything heals.  But my brain had changed somehow.  Profoundly.   I know that my feelings right now are mostly due to how recently this has happened.  But I believe that I am forever different and changed.   I know that I am.   I do.

One thing that amazes and surprises me is how absolutely exhausted I get.  The last few days I have taken 4 hour naps in the middle of the day.  And have still been able to sleep at night.  

The bones, blood vessels, nerves (I guess) and all of my bodily functions have been disrupted.   My thoughts have been changed and affected too.   I have had a couple of crying spells.  Not anything embarrassing, just feeling with such intensity that the tears ran down my face.   It's good.

Now I am going to bed.    My throat still has not recovered yet.  It's getting better, but still sore.   It will be better soon.

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