Friday, January 4, 2013

As usual, I am writing late at night.  It's not like I have little kids who have to get into bed so I can write.  It is just the lack of discipline on my part.

I remember, when the kids were little, 10:00pm seemed to be "my time".  I would sit and watch TV; China Beach, Thirty Something and whatever was popular.   It was nice to have some mindless time to myself before heading to bed .

I have been thinking of making my life somehow more structured.  Maybe even making a [loose] schedule for the things I want to get done. I do meet with a personal trainer once a week, but as often as not we end up changing our time.   Today I was not scheduled to go to the gym, but I did, just to get 30 minutes on the elliptical.   I should make a schedule that I impose on myself.  If I put this time into my schedule and onto my calendar, I am more likely to do it.

Same with Weight Watchers.   Yes, I am going to Weight Watchers.  Do I get to the meetings?  No.  Do I need to go to the meetings?  Yes.

I think I am somewhat ambivalent because, while I know that I am "overweight" and maybe (yes definitely) considered obese.  But I am constantly asking myself why it matters.  I do understand the implications and the risks of carrying this "extra" weight.  

But just once I would like to get through a day not thinking about it.  If I eat some fries or chicken, I would not have to think about how many points I have eaten, or how many minutes I need to spend on the elliptical.

I know that Nick thinks I am beautiful.  It's true.  I could be 300lb or 115 and Nick would just see me, the love of his life, the mother of his children, his life partner.  Why can't I see myself that way?

Everyone else just sees me as a fat lady when I walk into the room.  At least, that's how I feel.  I have somewhat gotten over the shyness about wearing my bathing suit in the pool.

I would love to run into an old friend and have them tell me I look great.   But I don't think many people can do that in all honesty.   Instead, my friends are surprised at how heavy I have become since our kids were babies together.   All of my friends have put on all the gray hair and wrinkles that should happen.  For the most part, even those who have not put on weight have had their figures shift a little bit.

But, why can't I just be me.  Fat, gray hair and all.   I think it would be really nice to NOT feel so self critical and not to worry about it.

It seems impossible, at least for me, to find anything at all fashionable and inexpensive that "big girls" like me can get away with wearing and I could look really good.  I often find myself thinking that I was born into the wrong century- at least body image and fashion wise. 

On another note, I bought two new chairs for my study.  They were deeply discounted at Best Buy.  My chairs were falling apart.  So, yea hurray!  More comfortable sitting for another day...

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