Went to a La Leche League meeting this evening. Of course I am the oldest person there- I am grandmother age now. But not a grandmother, which surprisingly, I am alright with.
I love going to the meetings because I feel like I can help and I know that occasionally I really make an impact on a new mother’s life and her mothering. That is a wonderful feeling and something that I feel good about. I don’t always help mothers as much as I would like, but I do my best and my goal is to help them feel that they are doing their best.
I have been so stressed lately. We are trying to re-finance the house. We have so much debt that it makes me get the shakes. Honestly, how do we do this? Today I tried to fax the papers off. I was using Nick’s fax machine and I couldn’t get it to do what I wanted. I finally ended up going to Kinko’s to send the fax. After running errands all day, when I got home, Nick said we got our credit score in the mail. We may not get the refinance after all. Then what? I wish I could be calm and mellow, but instead I am a basket of crazy. I get the shakes and feel like crying.
I know we will live through this too. We have lived through so much. I just get myself all worked up and feel so hard on myself and defensive when things don’t go just right.
Ok, so here is something that has nothing to do with any of what I just wrote. The kitchen sink. Yup, the kitchen sink.
I love a clean house. I unfortunately have standards that are almost impossible for anyone to live up to, so I think it is al lot easier to not even try. I have not felt much like doing the cleaning either. As a result, guess what? Things are not how I would like them to be, but I don’t feel like doing the work either.
The other day, the kitchen was really in pretty good shape. Nick had done the dishes and cleaned up very nicely. But nobody sees things the way I do. I looked at the sink and decided to really scour it. I soaked it with Soft Scrub for a few minutes. Then I ran hot water in it and scrubbed it with a kitchen brush. The sink was not only clean, it was shiny and bleached white. No dirt of crud or stains at all.
I cannot explain it, but a simple thing like that shiny sink can make me feel so happy! I just wanted to sigh and soak in the clean. Yes, I am strange I guess. But that’s me.
I am not the spotless, organized person I fantasize about being. I could put more into housework, but I am, after so many years and so many children, a little tired of it. But when I the spirit moves me and I accomplish something as simple as a clean sink, I feel at peace. At least for a while.
Yes I do.
And as I get ready to get into bed for the night, I am enjoying the sounds of the rain pouring down and the thunder rumbling. I love the rain!