Even so, I just felt like telling everyone "fuck you". I felt mad at the world. The night before, I had not slept very well or very much. I lie in bed and think of all of the "what if's".
I went on a lactation call and on the way there I was grumpy. Then, I passed a school- possibly an art place. There was a whole lot of yarn bombed stuff in the front, and suddenly I just had to smile. That whimsical bit of yarn placed so deliberately in an unexpected place in an unexpected way, made me feel lighter.
I am sad. I was going to say "just sad", but that "just" somehow makes me feel like I am saying my feelings are not big and not important. We do it all the time. When a two year old stomps his feet and yells, we say "oh, he's just mad". As if it doesn't matter.
I don't know where am in the universe right now. I cannot decide what it is that is important enough for me to put effort into.
I feel defeated. Often by my own self. I want things a certain way and I find that it is impossible. My sewing room is only occupied by me and my things. I worked so hard the last few weeks to get it straightened out and more usable. And I have come to realize that, while it is better than it was, it is still not arranged in such a way that I can feel able to be productive. In the ways I want to be.
I have my scrap-booking area. But I have books about breastfeeding on a shelf I could have paper and cutters and pens on. I have drawers full of fabric that should be used for the scrap-booking, or moved somewhere else- with sewing things. I have things shoved away in boxes an closets because I have not figured out yet how to make them accessible so I can be more productive.
I am not 100% sure why this is important to me. I think it is because I feel like I have so much chaos and lack of control over my life, that I need it in my room. I need my own sanctuary. And solitude.
I have more doctors appointments, which will invariably lead to more appointments. I feel like a spinning top.
I could cancel all of the appointments. I could just resign myself to not feeling well. Ultimately, after all, we all die. I am just not quite done yet. I may not be as bright a star as I have been, but I still shine. It is just so much easier when I feel better.
And I got a message on my phone yesterday from a friend. She is very sick. She has stopped all treatment. I think that her message was her goodbye. I don't know if I will see her again. I don't know what I can do for her, or what would even make a difference.
I guess the older you get the more losses along the way. If I had faith and some sort of belief in a higher power or something, maybe it would be easier to be at peace. But all I have at the moment is sadness and a sense of loss.