feeling blue

Sunday we had the nicest weather in a while.  There was slush plowed up at the curbs and navigating from car to sidewalk and back was not easy.  But, it got up to about 50 degrees and the sun was shining.

Even so, I just felt like telling everyone "fuck you".  I felt mad at the world.    The night before, I had not slept very well or very much.  I lie in bed and think of all of the "what if's". 

I went on a lactation call and on the way there I was grumpy.  Then, I passed a school- possibly an art place.  There was a whole lot of yarn bombed stuff in the front, and suddenly I just had to smile.   That whimsical bit of yarn placed so deliberately in an unexpected place in an unexpected way, made me feel lighter.

I am sad.  I was going to say "just sad", but that "just" somehow makes me feel like I am saying my feelings are not big and not important.  We do it all the time.  When a two year old stomps his feet and yells, we say "oh, he's just mad".  As if it doesn't matter.

I don't know where  am in the universe right now.  I cannot decide what it is that is important enough for me to put effort into.

I feel defeated.   Often by my own self.  I want things a certain way and I find that it is impossible.   My sewing room is only occupied by me and my things.   I worked so hard the last few weeks to get it straightened out and more usable.  And I have come to realize that, while it is better  than it was, it is still not arranged in such a way that I can feel able to be productive.  In the ways I want to be. 

I have my scrap-booking area.  But I have books about breastfeeding on a shelf I could have paper and cutters and pens on.  I have drawers full of fabric that should be used for the scrap-booking, or moved somewhere else- with sewing things.  I have things shoved away in boxes an closets because I have not figured out yet how to make them accessible so I can be more productive.

I am not 100% sure why this is important to me.  I think it is because I feel like I have so much chaos and lack of control over my life, that I need it in my room.  I need my own sanctuary.    And solitude.

I have more doctors appointments, which will invariably lead to more appointments.   I feel like a spinning top.

I could cancel all of the appointments. I could just resign myself to not feeling well.  Ultimately, after all, we all die.   I am just not quite done yet.  I may not be as bright a star as I have been, but I still shine.  It is just so much easier when I feel better.

And I got a message on my phone yesterday from a friend.  She is very sick.   She has stopped all treatment.  I think that her message was her goodbye.  I don't know if I will see her again.  I don't know what I can do for her, or what would even make a difference. 

I guess the older you get the more losses along the way.  If I had faith and some sort of belief in a higher power or something, maybe it would be easier to be at peace.   But all I have at the moment is sadness and a sense of loss.