Thursday, September 4, 2014

Talking in the dark

The other night, when Nick and I were in bed, getting ready to go to sleep, we were talking.   We often talk to each other in the dark as we are drifting off to sleep.  This time, we were talking about marriage.  Being married.  I asked him how we knew that we should get married.  He said that we just "knew".   We talked about how young we were.  I was 18 and he was 24.  I thought he was so much older than me.  Ha!   He's the same age as my sister.  When we got married, my sister was already married and the mother of two.  A real grown up!

It's funny.  On TV whenever you see a show or an ad where there is an old couple, the couple is supposed to have been married for "25 years" or something leaning towards forever.  But, as I said to Nick, they are all so old.  They really do look ancient, some of them.   Nick made me laugh.  He said "maybe we are that old and just don't know it".  Maybe he is right!

We watched some of a show tonight on people who are retired and are living and traveling in their RVs (recreational vehicles).   When the people were interviewed, their name and age were put up on the screen.  Some were younger than me, some a little bit older.  They live very busy, active lives.  But, they look "old" to me.  Hard for me to relate to.   Am I an ageist?   Am I in denial?  Do I need my eyes checked (yes)?  It is just so strange to suddenly be in the next decade from where I was just a  few months ago.  I am 60!  That means I am in my sixties!  I almost wish I knew what I look like to strangers when they see me.  Note, I said "almost".

My back has been really killing me for the past few weeks.  I have been sitting against a heating pad, and even sleeping with it.   When I stand up, I feel like I am going to make a creaking sound.  I have to stand up really slowly.  Like I am 100 years old.   I went to the chiropractor yesterday.  It helped a bit, but still hurting today.  So, today I went to my regular internal medicine doctor.  He said I might have some compressed disks (?).  At least that's what I think he said.  I went to get some x-rays of my spine.  I laughed when the tech took me into the x-ray room and asked if there was any possibility I might be pregnant.  I asked her how many 60 year old women answered that question with a "yes".   She said it's a standard question.  I know that.  I get it.  It just struck me as funny!

By the way, when I told Nick about my spine, he said "that's what happens when you get old".  Well, he has a point!

My jaw has started cracking and popping too.  Wow, I may be getting older, but I am getting more interesting as well.   What's next?

I have been feeling so blue the last few days.   Not as if anything specific happened.  Pain makes you not feel too great, and maybe grumpy.  I guess it could make you feel blue too.  But I really think it is just that I am missing my kids.  I know that they really love me.  A lot.   And they care about me.  But they don't really "need" me.   They can all take care of themselves.  They all drive and do things that don't involve me at all.   They don't have to ask permission for anything.  Not from me anyway.  I am not there to kiss their boo boos.  Not that they would want me to.

When the kids were small, and under foot all the time, they really did need me.  Nick and I had to teach and protect them.  We helps them, or they sat on our laps.They screamed and got angry and scared and silly.   And I was there.  I got angry and screamed and got silly too.  It was such an intense and exhausting and exhilarating time.  I so often wished for a break.  Even a small one.  I thought the work would never, ever end.   Well, it did.   I still have to work at being a mom.  I have to be thoughtful in what I say and how I might be perceived.    Even though all five of them are older than I was when Nick and I got married, Ia m still their mom, and what I say matters.  They are not even aware of it I suppose.   I know I wasn't with my mom.  But, without thinking I could really say or some something hurtful or insulting, or just plain old annoying and patronizing.  Parenting adult children means being aware of the fine line you walk.  A tightrope at times.

My mother told me that John Kennedy Jr. (John John) said "you don't really become an adult until after your mother has died".   Is that true?  I wonder.   There have sure been a lot of times when I have wished I could speak to my Mommy.

This is what I wrote on Facebook yesterday:    
When all five lived at home, even before that, before there were five, there was a lot of noise, chaos and mess. I was always running around. I got so frustrated at times. I yelled at everyone. I couldn't have even have imagined having them out of my bed much less my house. I just want to hold them. I guess I always will hold them in my heart

Okay, I could write on and on into the night.  But I think I have said enough for one evening.

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