Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I returned to work- sort of

Yesterday I made a lactation call for the first time in ages.  It was really nice and felt right.  Another long time LC friend shadowed me, which was fine.  I think she could have done the call on her own.  In fact, I know she could have, but she wanted me to do it, so I did.   It felt good to be doing something productive (and earning money for it).

Emotionally and physically I have been all over the map and around the world and back.  I know I am depressed.  I was born this way.  I am usually okay and can work with it, but the last few days I have had some really blue moments.   Just wanting to cry.  I am sure some of it has to do with my brain surgery and the fact that I am lowering the dose on one of my medications.   And my back, though not as bad as it was last week, still is unpredictable.   Of course, the truth is, I need to lose 100 pounds.   That is too touchy a subject for me to dwell on right here, right now.

And my head has settled down, no longer creeks and clicks, but I have a very lumpy skull.   It is so weird!

I feel so lonely.  I am home with Nick almost all the time, every day all day.  We get along although I know we both can get on each others nerves.  Not all the time though.  I miss my kids.   That's kind of a confusing and difficult thing to explain and for me to understand.   I really don't want them all living here again.  I just wish they were closer.  Or that they would call or write just to check in and see how I am doing.  And to let me have a little peek at their lives.   Of course, I know that's not the way things work.   I have always been the "great communicator".  I always wrote letters to anyone who wrote to me, and often to people who had not written to me.  Before the internet, I was a letter writing (by hand) machine.

I guess I am learning about the fucking empty nest.   

I think one of the things about being a mom to young kids is, that connection you make with the community.  I have always made friends with other moms with similar age kids.  There was a natural connection.  Here, in Reston, I always had other La Leche League moms as my best friends.  We would spend hours together going to play grounds and parks and even to just hang out at each others homes.  Overseas we moms all had the connection of being a part of a small community of expats.

But, as I am sure so often happens, the kids get older and go to school.  Not necessarily the same schools as your mom's play group friend's kids.   Then music lessons and baseball practice.  Then someone moves and the connections grow weaker.   We all live so many lives.  New parenthood.  I felt so smug as a new mom.  I thought I knew everything.  Fortunately for me, the books I read while pregnant laid a foundation for parenting that took me to attachment parenting and LLL.

But now, I am 60.  My "baby" is going to be 24 in a few months.  I don't really have any girlfriends to hang out with.   I have my sister, thank god for that!  I have my women's group on Monday evenings.  But I don't feel like I have any regular "buddy" to just talk with for hours or get a soda with.  Everyone's kids are grown and everyone is busy with their own lives.   My friends with retired husbands are more involved with doing things with their husbands.  That's a good thing.  Nick and I do things together.   But I need women friends!

There has been a lot of stuff about domestic violence on TV the last few days.  An NFL player was recorded knocking his wife out.   So all the talk is about abused women and that sort of thing.  Not everyone seems to understand that it is women who are the ones hurt most often.   I know that men can get abused.  But most of this is about women.

It can be harder for women to get out and away if they are abused and scared.   I went through the first 15 years of my life watching my dad beat the shit out of my mom and my sister and brother.  It was not a joke.  There was nowhere for my mom to go.  She had a high school education.  No job outside the home.  Nowhere to go.   No money.  She stayed because she had to.     I get really sad and upset just thinking about it, it makes me cry.

You know, I help so many people with their problems.  New moms and babies who just need some words of encouragement.  Friends who want to know about one thing or another- I research and find them the answers.   I think I give the impression of being this smart, strong woman who is so busy helping others that maybe I should not be bothered.   But, I would love to be "bothered".  Invited for a walk or for coffee or whatever.

I guess in some way I get a connection with my friends from facebook.   Yeah I do.  Funny, most of them are either family, or LLL friends!


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