Monday, March 16, 2015

The sun has been shining today

I am always amazed and surprised by how my mood and temperament are effected by the weather.  I shouldn't be, but I am.  Today has been a warm, sunny day and I am feeling a little bit better (at the moment anyway)

In actual fact, I have been a bit weepy today.  I have a cold and a fever and if the sun wasn't shining, I would probably be more than a bit weepy.

I have been frustrated by phone calls that I have not been very successful at making.  I called to ask a nurse some questions (about my surgery).  Her voice mail message said "I am away until March 20th, please call this number for help.  I called that number and I got the same voice mail message... she's away.

I am just feeling really emotional lately.    Missing my far away kids.  Facing yet another surgery.  Missing my mother.   Feeling a little scared.  

The last surgery, my brain surgery, was of course a much more dramatic thing than having my thyroid removed.   I never expected to have a breathing tube left in for two days.  I was unprepared for the inability to speak due to the breathing tube.  I know I was pretty well doped up, because if I hadn't been, I know that I would have freaked out totally. 

And so, now I am facing more surgery.  I have already written about my experiences with the foibles of the medical community as I have encountered it where my thyroid health is concerned.    I do trust the surgeon.  But Ia m still scared.  This time I will be intubated while I am still awake, then anesthetized.   I know I will get through it and hope to feel better afterwards.   But I imagine myself choking as the tube goes into my throat.   Good thing Ia m tough.  As my mom would say "a tough cookie".

Yesterday, Courtney put a picture of herself on Facebook that he husband, Ben took.   It struck me; what a beauty she is.  It made me miss her all the more.  Not just the "her" of now, as an adult.  But her as a child, as a baby who brought such mystery and joy and yes frustration at times) into my life.  You really don't own your children.   You only get to keep them for a little while and then you have to share them with the rest of the world. 

And the parents of the beautiful little sucklings get to wean and release them as citizens of a broader world.  They have their own lives where we don't live.   Could not live. 

I fell head over heals in love with this little being.  

She grew up into the beautiful woman.

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