Saturday, March 21, 2015

Here's the thing

I ache all over.  My back.  My knees.  My sciatica in my hip.   My ankles (why in the world do they hurt?) and, of course, my head.

Here's the question.  Why? What is causing me to hurt all over?  is it stress?  Is it stress, worrying about my impending surgery.  Is it caused by my goiter pressing on things that make other things hurt- a sort of reverse acupressure?

And why does my head hurt?  All the time.   Tigger, the cat, has been sleeping on my pillow at night.  Every night for the last month or so.  Maybe the same amount of time I have had this headache.   

I have always believed that he knew about my brain tumor before I did.   He slept on my pillow- near my head, every night until the tumor was removed.  Do I have another tumor?   Or, is Tigger sleeping there because he is now the last and only cat in the house. Is he just lonely?   Is he sick?

I made an appointment to see my neurologist about my headache (s).  But I cannot see him until April 2nd just 4 days before my thyroid surgery.  

I think I will send an email to the folks at Johns Hopkins who are my tumor team and see what they think I should do.

I am tired a lot.  Yesterday I fell asleep around 4:40 in the afternoon, and woke up after 7:00.  I wasn't even sure what time it was- was it day or evening.  It was evening.  Then, I got up, ate something, watched TV and was back in bed for the night somewhere around midnight.

Stress, worry, depression, pain.  All of these things can make you sleepy and achy.

I hate that I am having surgery.  Hate hate hate.  But, this time I know it will help me feel better.    I am scared.  The surgeon was not sure if the whole goiter can be removed all at once, or if I will have to have two surgeries a few weeks apart.

I am kind of pissed/ annoyed/ upset that so many doctors have just patted me on the head and not really treated my illness.  I honestly think that without this surgery, I will die.  My throat would get more and more compressed until I would not be able to have a repair surgery, and I would just suffocate.   A terrible thing to think about.

I also, somehow, feel a little bit guilty.  I feel like I am letting myself and others down.  I just cannot do anything that requires strenght or energy.

I am looking forward to seeing all of that change.  Soon.

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