Wedding wonderland

The wedding was so nice.  Morgan and Kim are now married and all is well.   Elvis officiated, and did his job very well.  Kim wore my mother in law's wedding dress.  The one that was worn in 1940.  Appropriate because without Nick's parent's union we and all of our children wouldn't even exist.

Four of my five children were there, and the fifth was able to be there VIA live streaming.   I love them all so much!

Morgan looked amazing (I was going to say dapper, but that's a silly word) in his tuxedo.   Kim was beautiful in "the dress"

Courtney opened her house and yard for the wedding and she organized everything hostess wise- cleaning and arranging house.     She made room for family and friends to sleep in her home.  She is an all around Wonder Woman and wonderful daughter and sister.

There was some fun/ silliness including the personalized blanket:

 And fairy hair after the ceremony:

a wedding guest getting fairy hair

Me getting fairy hair!

Parenting

I have been trying to learn and  understand that it doesn't serve anyone when I try to explain MY hardships to my kids and expect them to understand me.  

I just came across this and it sounds about right!

"What I tell parents who have lived through trauma is this: If all goes well, your children will never completely understand you. They will love you and they will learn from you, but your experience will always be foreign to them. Maybe when they are adults they might be able to understand some of it, but they will never know what you really lived through. They will never see the world through the same lenses as you do. They will take things for granted that you see as the biggest gifts. They will not see all that you do for them, because what you do for them is a part of the fabric of their lives.

Always reflecting

With a son's wedding tomorrow I am thinking about my kids, my life, my husband and love.

I came into this world and was raised into a judgmental family.   I am not trying to be judgmental here, just trying to understand.

Sometimes it was subtle and sometimes not so much.   My mom would say thing like "your dad always leaves his whiskers in the sink after he shaves".  Okay, that happens.  But it was said as a judgement of him.  That he was a slob, or inconsiderate, or just dumb.   But so many things were like that.   After not seeing her for a long time, getting off the plane and met with, "what did you do to your hair?".  Not "how are you, how was the flight"

As a happily dancing little ballerina, my dad would say to my mom (about me) "does she have to run around in that outfit (leotard)?    Why?  What did I do wrong?  Did I look stupid?  Was I stupid?

I could go on and on but I am not sure what's what I want to do.

My point is this;  I came into marriage expecting everything to be perfect.  And when it wasn't, I saw it as an affront, and a sign of not being loved, respected, cared about.  Leaving socks around the house- a common point of contention.  I would get so mad and it kept happening.  So, I figured I was either married at a jerk, or I was not lovable and not worth caring about.

Truth is, neither of those things.  I was hyper critical and he was hyper laid back and confused.

Fast forward.  We had kids.   I was "supposed" to be a prefect mother.  I thought it would be so easy.  You love your children and everything falls into place.

The trouble is, I was too busy judging myself. And falling short.  I would feel lonely at home alone with my firstborn.   I would nurse her, play with her, clean house and then what?     Thank goodness I found La Leche League- or it found me.  I learned that it's okay NOT to be perfect.  It's okay to surrender to mothering.   It took me years and years and many babies to sort of settle into mothering.

I never doubted the love I have for my children.  I never doubted Nick's love of being their father.  But I still took everything personally.  If anyone was hurt, sad, mischievous and later , having troubles in school, I always blamed myself on some level.  And, live my mom getting angry over the whiskers in the sink.  Was I mad at the event, the kids or my own failings?

I wasn't always the kind, understanding mother that the kids deserved.  For that I will always be sorry.

What inspired me to write this morning?   As I said, reflecting.

I often think about my [adult] children and what I think that they should be doing.  How they "should" be succeeding.  But I am not even sure what success means.

Deep down, these amazing people have a grip on my heart, They cannot possibly know how I feel.  I hurt for them even when they are not hurting because I don't want them to hurt or struggle.  They are adults.  They are amazing.  They have their challenges, but they are competent adults who don't need me in the ways they did as babies.

It takes my breath away when I ask myself, how did I get so lucky.  How did these amazing fully formed people come into my life. 

In the airport on the way to Portland the other day, Nick and I observed families traveling with children.   Traveling with sweet little babies.  Traveling with energetic toddlers.  Traveling with teens who would like to pretend that they have no idea who these parental units are.

We did that.  We were them.  And we did it a lot.   I don't how how we did it!  We survived.   We arrived with the same children we left with.

They grow up,get married.  Get divorced.   Get jobs.  Leave jobs.  And I thought it was amazing each time one of them tool their first steps.   But that was just the beginning.

Wow!

There's going to be a wedding

Heading out this afternoon for Portland to Morgan and Kim's wedding.

Trite, but, our babies sure grow up fast!

Sister is staying at our house.

Hopefully I will have pictures later.

Found pictures

Going through a box of papers and pictures I came across these two pictures.  Both taken in Afghanistan around the same time as my picture in a blog post the other day

My brother Dale in Afghan clothes

My sister Carol on a camel- before falling off and getting kicked in the head!

Hot weather

It's really hot this week and that is the big topic of discussion in the stores and with friends and on the news. 

I think I like cold better.  Or at least cooler than now.  When I was a kid I lived for this kind of weather so I could swim.  I spent hours and hours at the pool all summer long.  It was a place to meet and hang out with friends.  It was a place to be that was not at home.  And I loved to swim!

It's funny that I almost never swim any more.   I know that it's a hassle, but probably not any more than when I was a kid.   I guess one difference now is that I hate squeezing myself into a bathing suit and then when I'm finished, pealing a wet bathing suit off. 

Bigger bodies are more awkward getting in and out of swim suits and the pool too.  Older bodies don't move with the agility that was once there.  I used to be self conscious, but not too much.   Now I know what I look like and it's not all that beautiful.

Yeah, "love your body" " Think of how well your body has served you"   Blah blah blah.   

Well, thank goodness for ceiling fans and air conditioning!

Before the storm!

After the storm!

The moon

I believe that we have been fascinated by the moon ever since it occurred on the first person/ being to look up into the night sky.

The 50th anniversary of the first moon walk is rapidly approaching.  There's been a lot about it on the TV.  Watching some of the footage and the still photos taken on the moon and on earth I am so impressed.  We had a black and white TV and I have honestly never seen the pictures I have seen this week.  It is so much more real when you see it in color than it was watching it on a small black and white TV,

It's a big deal and it was a big deal back then.  I was 15 in the summer of 1969. I hung out with other teens in my neighborhood.  We played at the playground in the evening after the little kids had gone inside for the night.   I remember there were some metal mushrooms- for climbing on.  They were at least 3' high.  We used to leap frog over them for fun. 

I'm not really sure how real the whole moon walk was to me.  I do recall that night standing outside and looking up at the sky only to see the little moon up there.  I cannot remember what phase the moon was in.

The three youngest of my sons went to Buzz Aldrin Elementary School.   Buzz himself came to the official grand opening of the school, and he made a point of shaking hands with everyone there.   One of my boys was quite star struck and said "I just shook hands with a hero".

And tonight as the moon was rising so big, from the east, I took a picture.  And later, around midnight I took another picture of the full moon in the dark sky.

Seeing that beaming light up there stirs primal feelings.  I want to howl whenever I see a full moon!