Borrowed words

This was written by Anne Lamott.  It spoke to me as I face changes in my life and my upcoming sixtieth birthday.
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This is the last Saturday of my fifties. The needle isn't moving to the left or to the right. I don't feel or look 60. I don't feel any age. I have a near-perfect life. However, I grew up on tennis courts and beaches in California during the sixties, where we put baby oil on our skin to deepen the tan, and we got hundreds of sunburns. So maybe that was not ideal. I drank a lot and took a lot of drugs and smoked two packs of Camels (unfiltered) a day until I was 32. I had a baby and then forgot to work out, so things did not get firmer, and higher. So again, not ideal.
My heart is not any age. It is a baby, an elder, a dog, a cat, divine.
My feet, however, frequently hurt.
My skin broke out last week. I filed a new brief with the Fairness Commission, and am waiting to hear back.
My great blessing is the capacity for radical silliness, and self-care.
I'm pretty spaced out. I don't love how often I bend in to pull out clean wet clothes from the washer, and stand up, having forgotten that I opened the dryer that's above, and smash my head on the door once again. I don't know what the solution to this is, as I refuse to start wearing a helmet indoors. I don't love that I left my engine running for an hour last week, because I came inside to get something, and then got distracted by the dogs, and didn't remember I'd left the engine on. It was a tiny bit scary when a neighbor came to the front door to mention this, and I had to feign nonchalance, and act like it was exactly what I had meant to do all along.
I backed into an expensive truck in the parking lot of Whole Foods last month. Boy, what an asshat THAT guy was. My bumper had fallen off in the mishap, and I had to tie it back on with the shoelaces from my spare running shoes. Sigh.
Wednesday, the day before I turn 60, I am having a periodontal procedure that Stalin might have devised. How festive is that? But that night, my grandson and niece will pelt me with balloons, and we will all overeat together, the most spiritual thing we can do.
Mentally, the same old character defects resurface again and again. I thought I'd be all well by now. Maybe I'm 40% better, calmer, less reactive than I used to be, but the victimized self-righteousness remains strong, and my default response to most problems is still to try and figure out who to blame; whose fault it is, and how to correct his or her behavior, so I can be more comfortable.
My friend Jim says, "I don't judge. I diagnose." That's me.
Spiritually, I have the sophistication of a bright ten year old. My motley crew and my pets are my life. They are why I believe so ferociously in God.
Politically, I am still a little tense. I love that Obama is president. I love Obamacare. My great heroes at sixty are Gloria Steinem and Molly Ivins.
Forgiveness remains a challenge, as does letting go. When people say cheerfully, "Just let go and let God," I still want to stab them in the head with a fork, like a baked potato.
This business of being a human being is infinitely more fraught than I was led to believe. When my son Sam figured out at 7 years old that he and I were not going to die at the exact same moment, he said, "If I had known that, I wouldn't have agreed to be born." That says it for me. It's hard here, and weird. The greatness of love and laughter, the pain of loss, the bearing of one another's burdens, are all mixed up, like the crazy catch-all drawer in the kitchen.
This doesn't really work for me.
If I was God's West Coast rep, I would have a more organized and predictable system.
So we do what we can. Today, I will visit a cherished friend post surgery, and goof around with her kids. I will try to help one person stay clean and sober, just for today. I will loudly celebrate my own sobriety, and also the fact that my writing has not been a total nightmare lately. I am going to go for a hike on these sore feet, and remember Gerard Manley Hopkins, "The world is charged with the grandeur of God." Charged, electrical with life's beauty and light! Wow. Then I will probably buy the new issue of People magazine to read on the couch before my nap, and a sack of the black plums at the market that seemed overpriced yesterday, but not today.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

still becoming....

 

My sister and I went to the doctor today.  These headaches don't stop, don't go away.  Maybe I should say "this" headache since it is always here.

I was hoping that it was just a medication change that was causing the headache.   I know I have a brain tumor, I know.  I just thought that it was a simple fix I needed.

My doctor said that the tumor is more serious than he thought before. There is edema surrounding the tumor which means that there is some sort of "active process" going on.   Google the words "meningioma" and "edema" together if you want to know more.    Anyway, I am going to have it removed.

My doctor said that he wants me to go to Johns Hopkins.  He will talk to me next week and give me some names of neurosurgeons to contact.   Meanwhile, next week I am seeing a neurologist.   He won't be the one to take care of the tumor per say, but he might be able to help me manage the pain better.

I had planned to go to the gym today.  When I mentioned to my doctor today that I only got dizzy once recently, and that was when I was doing push ups.  He looked at me as though he thought I was crazy.  I have been instructed to stop doing push up or anything else too vigorous.  

Meanwhile, I'm turning 60 in a few weeks.   Wow, I have been working toward this birthday for so long.  I have thought out all of the possible scenarios:  a big party at church like I had for my 50th; a cook out on the deck; dinner with Nick.  I was not planning to have a brain tumor in the middle of all of this.  I was planning to be fit and healthy.  That's why I have been working out so much.  I guess it is a good thing that I have been going to the gym.  I am in better shape than I would have been otherwise.

Now, maybe I will be having my birthday party in the hospital.  We'll see.

I am still confident that I will still be the crazy, goofy me that I am after all of this.  (is there an "after"?  This is now a part of me and my history).  I am worried that I will be gorked out for the rest of my life.  I am afraid of slurred speech and eyes pointing in different directions.  I don't know why I worry about those things.   I just do.   If I don't get this tumor removed though I am really more likely to have issues.   I am already losing words.  Calling things by the wrong name, or forgetting words all together.  Maybe that's part of the aging process anyway.

My head is killing me.  If I shut my eyes, it still hurts as much, but somehow it is less bothersome.    I can sleep without the headache keeping me awake which I am so grateful for.

I am going to bed now.  I will look over my writing in the morning and see if/what needs to be corrected.

Good night!

Beautuful day of headaches

I was just outside and saw the moon.  It is just a fingernail of a crescent.  It is such nice weather.  About 60 degrees about now.  I wish it was always like this.  Not too cool, not hot.   Everything is starting to bud.  Daffodils are in bloom as are the crocuses.  I guess it is kind of cliched to love the springtime. 

And of course I have had a rough headache most of the day.   I went to the gym.  Went to Costco.  Watched TV for hours- old episodes of law & Order.   At one point this afternoon, I sat on the deck and shut my eyes and felt the sun on my face.  I could have stayed like that for hours.

I do look forward to getting rid of these headaches.  I am not sure how yet.  Probably surgery, which scares me.    I have had lots of surgeries before.  But as far as I know, never with power tools.

I want a day of doing nothing at all.  But when I have those days, I often end up feeling like a slug.

Another day closer to my 60th birthday.

Please, may I be a diamond?

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


So apt.  So true.   This is helping me remember who I am.  I am not defeated nor will I be.   My joy in living and my determination to hold onto that joy.  That is my unbowed head.

And, Nick is my soul mate:

what's next? who knows

I have had a crummy headache most of the day.  Actually at times it was almost blinding.

I went to Dr. B this morning and we are switching one of my regular thyroid medications back to what it was a couple of months ago.  The hope is that the headaches will go away.   Time will tell.

I went to my chiropractor this evening and he worked wonders.   I haven't seen him in a month or so.  I told him I was sore from all of the tension in my neck and shoulders.   The heating pad and electrodes (I don't know what they are called) felt so good.  Then he pushed and pulled and everything felt a whole lot better!

One thing for sure.  I am really grateful that I no longer have vertigo.  That in addition to the constant headache really made me miserable!

Nothing very profound, or really all that interesting to report.  Took some percocet and a new anti depressant/ chronic pain medication and I am feeling pretty decent right now.  Aside from the fact that I can't keep my eyes open.

I just have to add, the highlight of my day was having my sister come over bringing dinner!  I wish she moved to Virginia a long time ago.  At least she's here now.

I'm so tired

I have really been dragging today.  I woke up with a splitting headache this morning and just really wanted to stay in bed.   But, Nick and I had dentist appointments.  I guess we had better maintain the parts that are actually working pretty well- in this case, our teeth.  Yeah I know, they aren't perfect, but we are doing alright. Flossing is my friend!

Since we got home, I have mainly been draped over the sofa.  Dozing on and off.  Watching Law & Order, my favorite show.   Last night I kept experiencing pain behind my right eye.  The tumor is on the left.  I have no idea if the two are related. When you know that you have a brain tumor, it is hard NOT to blame it for everything.

I went to the gym yesterday.  I felt good to work out, but I felt sad that I am not going six times a week like I was.  I just can't right now.  I don't feel good enough often enough.

I really think I want to get the tumor removed.   No, I do not want surgery.  No, I do not want power tools to be used on my skull.   But I do want the headaches to go away so I can hopefully get my energy back.

Tomorrow I am going to see my regular doctor.  I want to see if a medication change, about a month ago, has anything to do with my headaches.     As one of the neurosurgeons pointed out, removing the tumor does not guarantee that removing the tumor will make the headaches stop.   Swell!

And I am incredibly sad that one of my children has not contacted me at all.  Not by email or phone call.  He should know I have a brain tumor since I sent the information to all five kids at the same time.  I have heard from all four other kids.   More than once in fact.  Oh well.