Monday, November 18, 2019

Here I am again!

We got home from New Orleans (my sister and I) on Monday November 11th.   At the next  day I had to report to Reston Hospital at 6:00 AM for a MUA (manipulation under anesthesia) procedure.  I was put under anesthesia and the surgeon moved my leg around to break up the scar tissue in my knee.  The scar tissue was really keeping me from gaining full mobility in my knee.

I was terrified of the procedure. I was told that I would need it if I couldn't get better mobility.  It felt like a threat!  I fully expected to be as disabled as I was after the original knee replacement surgery in the first place. I thought I'd be sleeping in the recliner again and would need to commode thing over the toilet.   Wrong! Of course, initially my knee was numb, which I credited to the drugs.   But, then it was not.   I really did feel better.  I still am cautious about bending and forcing my knee too much.  But it is so much better!  How about that!

Now to get totally recovered and get my right knee replaced.   I am in a lot of pain in the right knee.

Aging.  I know that think I about aging and write about aging.  Nick just turned 72.  I hear reports about "elderly" people on TV who are our age.  I guess we really are getting old.   I don't think I am totally in denial, but I am not sure how to "be" old.    I don't have the energy and strength I have had, but I don't "feel" old. How does old feel?

Here's a sort of answer.  When we were traveling, I had wheel chair assistance on both ends of the flight getting to and from the gate.  Sitting in the wheel chair, being driven (pushed?) I thought about my mother.  She was in a wheel chair most of the time the last years of her life.   I am older than  my mother was when she was disabled by a stroke.    Of course, being my mother and not my contemporary, I thought of her as "old".  She must have felt so mad/ depressed. angry and fragile. 

I am not ready to be old and disabled.  But I don't think my mother was either.  What the heck.  How does this happen?

When I look in the mirror, I see me.  I know that I don't look like I did 20, 30 or 40 years ago.  But I can recognize myself. Then I look at photos and see that my face has more texture than before.  Wrinkles.   More than smile lines.

Every day, even though I  say "I'm old", I feel like I am just  starting out.  Like there is so much more to do.  I don't exactly have a bucket list.  But there are still things I want to do and places I want to go.  I have been saying for a while now that when I have my new knees and am totally recovered I will become younger.    We'll see!

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