Love

I know that I can be annoying and embarrassing to my kids.  Not as much as when they were younger and living at home and being dependent.

But here's the thing.   The way I feel about my kids- it's so deep, it's on a cellular level if not more (is that possible?).

My love is so deep and scary it overwhelms me sometimes.

I know that they are all adults now.  I also know, from my own experience as an adult child, how hard it can be to appreciate your mother.  It's so hard to be objective. It's impossible actually.  So when I casually say something that I might say to anyone, my kids can easily see it as a criticism, or a lack of understating. 

And as the "adult" here, I should be able to take whatever my kids dish out and keep on going.  But I am always surprised how deeply it hurts sometimes. And other times I am so happy and proud that I feel like maybe I had some part in it.

I guess you never are completely a grown up, child or parents.  It's complicated.

I feel every disappointment and hurt and frustration.  Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault.  Or my job to make it better.  Like when they were little and I could kiss it and make it better.

Love is so complicated.