Tuesday, June 18, 2019

In the blink of an eye

That's just how fast it was.  A deer was hit by the car in the lane next to me when I was driving on Rt 50 this morning.  The traffic was moving at over 50 mph.  I saw a dear, flying through the air.  It was tumbling head and legs all flying wildly.  Right in front of me.  Then it was gone from my sight.  It was so fast I didn't really have time to react other than to gasp.  I didn't slow down or swerve.  I looked in my mirror to see if the person/ car that struck the deer was alright.   I wanted to ask the driver if he was alright.  But we didn't have any red lights before I lost sight of him.

I was shaken up.  Upset.  Sad.  I pulled into a parking lot and called Nick and cried.   Just "woosh" and a life ended right in front of me.   Violently.  Fast.  Final.  And I thought of my brother.  When he hit the car that pulled out in front of him, I know that he "flew" about 40 feet.  And he fell to earth and died.     I cannot imagine how that must have affected the people that saw him.

And so, that's life.  Busy, lazy, sleepy, restless.  Happy.  Sad.  Sick, Well.  And then poof it's over.

When a life ends violently it is a shock. As this poor deer's life ended.  And Dale. My big brother.  It was not expected.

But when it is expected, it is still hard and painful.   I have held beloved pets when they took their last breath.  It was calm and peaceful, but it took my breath away nonetheless. 

Something in the universe breaks when a loved one dies.  There is such a void that you never think that the hole in your heart will ever close.  Will you ever smile again? 

And for whatever reason, you do laugh.  And cry.  And go numb for a while.  It's what you have to do to continue going forward.

There is so much to be joyful about.  Sadness that the people and pets you love are gone.  Joyful that they were alive and in your life. 

There are so many sayings about being a parent.  Roots and wings.  But in truth, once you become a parent you experience fear like nothing you could ever imaging.  I was so overjoyed each time I was pregnant.  And I was almost immediately protective.

I lost my first baby.  No, I didn't set her down or misplace her. (I don't know the gender but always imagine a girl)   The baby died.  Inside my body.  I was visibly pregnant.  I could cup my growing belly and feel my baby bump.    And then I started bleeding.  And then I was not pregnant any more.   And my body wept blood and tears.   My heart broke.  Nick's heart broke.  And my family, on the other side of the world cried too.   The baby that never took a breath was so loved.

I lost another pregnancy before I got pregnant with Chance.  Not many people knew about that pregnancy.   It was sad, but it was a quieter more private loss.   I was only a few weeks along.  But, though it was not a "real" baby, it was a potential baby, and it was wanted.

And so, today I saw a deer get hit by a car.  I was going to say I saw a deer die.  But I didn't actually see it but I did.

And in that flash of a moment I saw life, death, hope, loss, joy and fear. 

And that is all.

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