Saturday, January 24, 2015

Still at it

Over a week since I last posted, and I am still in the process of cleaning up my sewing room.  Sometimes I feel like it will never be done.  I stare at all of my stuff and where it is, and don't know what to do.  Where does it all need to go.  I want there to be some order.  I have actually accomplished a lot.  I have my pins all in one place and my thread mostly in one place.   It's just that every time I get one part of the room, or drawer or shelf, I need to find places that no longer belong where they were.  I have been throwing a lot of trash out.   Things that I, at one time or another, didn't think of as trash, but I do now.   

There are also the things that I no longer want, but don't know what to do with them.  I mean, what do you do with a bag of 10, size 22mm nipple shields in sterile packaging?    I don't think I can Freecycle them.  Can I?  A random roll of gauze that I found in a drawer of antique linens?   What did I have in mind when I bought that?  Or, maybe it goes with Nick's art supplies.  Who knows?

I have shoe boxes full of cards.  Christmas cards, birthday cards, Mother's Day cards.   I want to keep the cards with notes and letters in them.  Even, or maybe especially the Christmas Cards.  I love following my friends and their families as they grow and change.  Keeping track of the new babies, the marriages and the grandchildren is such joy.   Some of the people I exchange cards with, I haven't seen in over 20 years.   Our lives have taken completely different paths, both geographically or in interests, or just in the way lives do sometimes.    We grow apart but are still a piece of each others lives, even if only once a year . 

I need that connection.    It feels like a bigger part of my already large family I guess.   I grew up in a family of five.  Two parents.  Two siblings.  And, now, there are only two of us.  We are all we have.   (yes, I have a husband and children, but I am referring to my "family of origin)  I have 24 living cousins.  The only member of my generation of cousins no longer with us is my brother.      Of course, in time, those numbers will all begin to decline.   Of my cousins, all but two, and myself, have grandchildren. So, life goes on even after it doesn't.   My mom and dad are gone, but my sister and I are still here.  And my parent's eight grandchildren are here.  And two great grandchildren.    Og så videre, og så videre(and so on and so on) as the Norwegians say.

I think about my life a lot.  My mortality I guess.  I have had so any things go on with my body.  In addition to birthing five babies.   It is weird.  Almost embarrassing.  Whenever I have to fill out a form for a new doctor, I have to write down all of my surgeries.  There are too many to remember.  There are never enough lines on the page.   And yet, here I am.  Looking forward to more medical stuff.  By looking forward, I do not mean I am looking hopefully, but, that it is in my future.  Rett Fram- straight ahead.  I don't know why, but often times the words to express a feeling or action are easier in another language.  Mostly it's Norwegian for me.   On rare occasions, Thai.    I am so lucky to have these languages.  I feel like they are tools that help me express things I cannot quite pinpoint in English.

And so, next week I am having an endoscopy.  This is to see why my swallowing is so difficult and restricted.  And, perhaps to stretch my esophagus.   We'll see.   I don't look forward to it, but I look forward to it being over with.    Then, the very next day, I am having "oral surgery".  I put it in quotes because I am not sure it is actually surgery.  I am taking something to help me relax, before the procedure.   Then I am having my four, very loose, front bottom incisors removed, extracted, pulled out.   When I think about losing my teeth I want to cry.  I will miss them.   But, they are very loose.   They hurt my bottom lip when they scratch it.   I will be getting implants.  That will take a few months though because I have to heal first.

So, I continue to purge and clean and ponder.    In this room, my creative space, will I be inspired to be creative once it is easier to find everything?  Wasn't that creativity at least a part of what created the mess and chaos in here in the first place?   

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