Saturday, February 1, 2014

Rabbit Rabbit

It's the first day of February and the year is already passing us by.  Again, I wonder and marvel at the passage of time.  Try as we might, we cannot control it or stop it or change it.   Breathing, walking, sleeping, working out, meditating.   The world goes 'round and 'round.   Bills come due and go overdue.   Babies are born, on time, early or late.  People die.  There's the "untimely death" and there's the "died peacefully surrounded by loved ones".   Breathing in.  Breathing out.

Night before last, Nick and I watched the movie "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel".  It was the second time I had seen it.   Seeing it with Nick was great because we have shared so many "exotic" moments in the places we have lived and those we have visited.    Nick has been to India.  I have not.  But we can both share the feeling of what the noises and smells and crowds are all about.   Makes me want to travel again.

What a life we have shared.   I want to do so much more even than I have already done.   I want to go back and see all of the places I have lived and slept and breathed and left pieces of who I am.  I am made up of those places and experiences.   I know you can never go back, and be that person you were then.  Experience the same things and feelings.  I guess, maybe part of that longing to "go back" is a desire to affirm that you actually did do those things and lived those experiences.  

It's funny how our kids have lived in the various places we have been stationed, some even born there, yet, in many cases, they were too young to have formed any memories.  It is part of their story and their history.  Part of the family lore.  But not part of their every day identity.  I guess.

Of course, I know that I spent a part of my early life in exotic places.   Much of that is just a story to me.  Again, family lore.   I have snippets of memories from Greece and Okinawa.  Much more of Afghanistan of course because I was older when we lived there.  But my sister and brother,  being older that me, had much different experiences and memories.

Ok, so much for these profound thoughts.  Yesterday I was in the here and now and I was in a funk almost all day.   I went to the gym, warmed up, and went into the classroom expecting- looking forward to, belly dancing class.   It had been cancelled and replaced by a class that I would call aerobics.   The teacher was great.  The music was fast and fun.  But I felt dumb.  I was having trouble keeping up.  I looked at myself in the classroom mirrors- they are impossible to ignore.   I looked as dumb as I felt.   I know that it was such a small thing.  Not all that important in the whole scheme of things.  But it was a disappointment and I let it put me into a real funk.  All day after that I just felt blah.

I had a couple of new moms I had to call.  One was a follow up call to a mom who is having a rough time and really needed some information and support so she could continue to try nursing.  The other was a mom I had not spoken to yet.  I was setting up an appointment with her.  I put off these calls as long as I could.  I did not think I could call these moms without sounding too down.  But, as usual, when I spoke to the moms, I felt so much better!  I love being able to educate and encourage frustrated moms.

I know what a part of my funk was this week- I just remembered.   I went to a meeting to learn about filing reports and logging in my time sheets and going "paperless".  I left the meeting feeling like I didn't want to "work" any more.  I love being with moms and babies, but I don't want it to feel like "work"!   I do keep records and file reports.  But the whole business aspect of it sucks. 

Looks like I am not going to make it to spin class this morning.  That's okay.

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