Wednesday, January 1, 2014

It's a new year

How come New Years eve isn't as exciting any more.  At least, I don't find it exciting.  Just sort of dumb- as in- oh well, it's another day and month and year.  Yup.  That's all.

I know I am like everyone else, at least in my assessment of my life over the last year and what I am going to do differently this year.  Resolutions they are called.   Yes, I too make promises to myself.  I am just embarrassed to admit it to anyone including myself.   It's it one of those things- next time I will do better.  Eat better.  Exercise more.   Lose weight.  Read more. Sew more.  Whatever it is that I feel deficient in.

The one thing I cannot do anything about, or make resolutions about is age.   Make that two things; age and time.  Time keeps going faster and faster.   I keep getting older.   I am going to be 60 this year.  What the hell does it mean?  What can I do about it?   I can answer the second question.  Nothing.  I can do nothing at all about turning 60.  Almost all of the people in my life are either older than me, and so have been 60 and don't care to remember feeling the way I do.  At least that's how I feel.  I don't feel like I can tell my 85 year old friend that I am freaking out about turning 60.  even the two most important people in my life are both 66, so they think of me as younger (which I know I am).

The other people in my life, "my moms" are all young nursing mothers (for the most part).  I am as old or older than their mothers, so they don't know what to say or think what I say that i am turning 60 this year.

Am I afraid of getting old?   Probably.  I do not think of myself as a youth worshiper, but I do think of myself as being active and vital and busy and much of the time energetic.   I have to be doing "something" all the time.   Even if it's just knitting little do dads while watching TV.  I always feel guilty about wasting time.

But here I am.  More than half way done with life.   My time is more and more limited.  Honestly, nobody knows how long they will live, or how it all turns out.   I just feel closer to the finish line and I don't fel like I am anywhere near ready to be done.

I feel like I am 20, not 60.  At least in my ambitions.  There is so much to do and so many things to learn and make and see.   

I suspect that actually passing the date of my birthday will be rather anti climactic.   Then won't I feel silly?

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