Feeling very self centered lately. With good cause I guess. Not being sure what's going to happen when I stand up makes me do a lot of contemplating.
After her stroke, my mom lost a lot of her ability to do the physical things she had always taken for granted. She told me once that when she is sitting in her recliner, in her head she is a 14 year old. Then she tries to move and she cannot.
I heard her say that, but I don't know if I really "heard" her. She was saying that she had lost control of so many aspects of her life.
I have not had a stroke, so I know that's not why I am feeling so limited now. But, at the moment I am disabled. My gait is stiff and unsure. When I stand up I am afraid I will lose my balance because of the pain I have in my knees.
I haven't really been feeling "oh woe is me". Just frustrated and maybe a little humiliated/ embarrassed.
Like my mom, I feel like everything is fine. Then it's not.
There are boxes still in the garage that we have moved over. Nick has dealt with much of the stuff. So what's left is almost all mine.
I have boxes of yarn and fabric and patterns and sewing notions. I have books and scrapbooks/ If I were able, I would have moved them at least into the house and out of the garage. This is the kind of things that my kids could have helped us with when we were moving in. I know we could have probably hired someone. But this is the kind of stuff that friends and neighbors and mainly, family helps with.
I know that when you give to your children we shouldn't try to make them feel guilty. We don't remind them of all the times we have moved them. Come to their assistance. Nick has driven all over the place for the kids- to Columbus, Ohio, to Annapolis and to Richmond. It;s what we do.
I am going to weight watchers in the hopes of getting enough weight off so my knees feel better and ultimately so I can have knee replacement surgery.
I hate pain. My knees don't hurt, or hurt too badly when I am sitting down. But even that can be a challenge because the backs of my legs start to hurt.
Tomorrow I am hoping to get to church. A new church for us. There's a Unitarian church not too far away.
Monday I go see my orthopedist and see what can be done to help me get through this and start feeling better.
Meanwhile, I need to renew my temporary handicap window tag
In other news, we bought a new refrigerator for our house in Reston. The biggest complaint folks have about that house is that it is outdated. We neutralized and depersonalized the house as much as possible. Problem is, not it is so impersonal I think it probably feels too cold to prospective buyers.
So here's my kitchen before new fridge and after new fridge: