This somehow feels apt with the stuff I have been going through lately. I sometimes feel like I am one crisis away from total pandemonium! Am I sick? The doctor speaks of the tests I need to have done. The importance of the tests. I go to see him and he's sort of "eh" about it all. And then he orders a whole new set of tests that have nothing to do with the issues I am most concerend about.
I am baffled about how one knows when one is old. I feel "old" sometimes like when I have trouble getting up off the floor. But that is also due to my weight. I know that I am old enough to be the mother of all of the moms I go to help. I am often older than their own moms. Yet Ia m not a grandmother. Does that keep me young or make me old?
When I relate my own breastfeeding experiences to new moms, do I sounds like someone they want to learn from as a mentor. Or do they hear a crazy, old lady? Maybe a bit of both. I know that moms trust me. They know that I am gentle, kind and competent. Sometimes I feel like my family, or some of the family some of the time, feels that I am a nutty, silly person. I think that for the most part they respect what I do and appreciate how much good I do in the world. I just doesn't necessarily translate into day to day drudgery.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the unfinished things, projects, jobs in my life. I knit and occasionally sew. I cook, but not as often as I used to. I don't do housework as much or as well as I would like to. I sometimes feel like a little kid running around in a toy store not knowing what to look at first. Life has so much to offer and I see it and I want it and I want to do and make everything I dream of. And I get stuck on a carrousel not sure where to get off or what to reach for.
I guess since it is 1:30 am, I should reach for my bed and sleep