Thursday, September 12, 2013

Dear Life....


This somehow feels apt with the stuff I  have been going through lately.  I sometimes feel like I am one crisis away from total pandemonium!  Am I sick?   The doctor speaks of the tests I need to have done.  The importance of the tests.  I go to see him and he's sort of "eh" about it all.  And then he orders a whole new set of tests that have nothing to do with the issues I am most concerend about.

I am baffled about how one knows when one is old.  I feel "old" sometimes like when I have trouble getting up off the floor.   But that is also due to my weight.   I know that I am old enough to be the mother of all of the moms I go to help.  I am often older than their own moms.   Yet Ia m not a grandmother.  Does that keep me young or make me old?

When I relate my own breastfeeding experiences to new moms, do I sounds like someone they want to learn from as a mentor.   Or do they hear a crazy, old lady?   Maybe a bit of both.  I know that moms trust me.  They know that I am gentle, kind and competent.   Sometimes I feel like my family, or some of the family some of the time, feels that I am a nutty, silly person.  I think that for the most part they respect what I do and appreciate how much good I do in the world.   I just doesn't necessarily translate into day to day drudgery.   

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the unfinished things, projects, jobs in my life.   I knit and occasionally sew.  I cook, but not as often as I used to.   I don't do housework as much or as well as I would like to.   I sometimes feel like a little kid running around in a toy store not knowing what to look at first.   Life has so much to offer and I see it and I want it and I want to do and make everything I dream of.   And I get stuck on a carrousel not sure where to get off or what to reach for.

I guess since it is 1:30 am, I should reach for my bed and sleep

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