We have always had the most, shall we say, informal yard in the neighborhood. We do keep the grass cut and have beautiful azaleas and stuff. But we have never been successful at having a perfect, weed-free lawn and sculpted flower beds. I am not sure if it is because we don't care, or don't try, or are not capable. I really don't know.
I know that when Nick and I are out driving, if we are driving through a "perfect yard" neighborhood, there is inevitably a yard that is not as well kept up. We always say that they are the "us" of their neighborhood.
So where am I going with this? Well, it's kind of like this; I always want things to be better. I want the house to be cleaner, I want my closets to be more organized , I want the yard to look good. When I look around, I see the things that "need" to get done. I get sad sometimes because I feel that I will never have the elusive whatever it is I imagine I want. I want my house to look like a magazine- both inside and out. Just like I want my body to- but that's another story.
I am outside in the back yard several times a day with the dog. Every time I go out I see the mess of it all. It overwhelms me. I have spend many long hot hours working in the yard and getting poison ivy to show for it. I haven't have a strong enough desire to make it nice, to actually do the work. I think about hiring someone just about every day. I have hired people in the past and had beautiful work done. Then a part of me feels guilty spending our money on that.
This last week, Austin did a lot of cleaning up in the back yard. Yet, every time I have gone out there, instead of noticing all the work that has been done, I focus on what still needs to get done.
Something has changed and I am finding myself, sometime not easily, trying to see the positive. When I was outside yesterday doing my usual critique in my head, I noticed some really nice things. The azaleas in the back are getting ready to bloom. The rose bushes that Carol and Nick gave me last summer are looking good and healthy. The climbing hydrangea on the back fence is really "climbing" all over the fence and looking great.
So, what I am doing is making myself look past the undone and see the done- the beauty, the good. So we have some debris in the yard- hey, we have a yard. How lucky is that? We have a house. Is is not perfect and never will be. But we do have a home.
I get so caught up on the fingerprints on the door frames and the dishes sitting in the counter waiting to be loaded into the dishwasher. But, hey, we have walls. We have appliances. We have clean (enough) water and more shelter space than we need.
We have cars so we can get to places. And we have places to go.
Yea, our materiel needs are met. But somehow I feel a lack anyway. I need to look beyond the torn upholstery and realize how lucky we are to even have furniture.
I am trying. I have to constantly catch myself and look beyond the things that need fixing and fix my expectations.
This week in Boston has been a real upsetting and tense time for the whole country. There were two devices blown up during the Boston Marathon. There were three deaths then and two more later- the later being an MIT police man, and the other was one of the bad guys on the run. The second and probably last of these men was arrested and is critical care unit at the hospital.
The youngest of the two men was finally captured last night. I am glad he was captured. I know that he is responsible for death and mutilation. I have no idea what would make a brain think that this is okay. Or, of not okay, how would you even think of doing these things.
And yet I feel sad for the younger guy. He is only 19. His life is ruined. He was, according to teachers and friends, a nice and very smart guy and a good student. I have seen pictures of him, and I cannot vilify him. I just wish he had remained an anonymous person in my little corner of the world. Maybe he could have become a doctor and saved people's life instead of destroying them . He's just a kid, and I am sad.
And I am falling asleep at the keyboard now.
now back to your regularly scheduled program