Monday, April 29, 2013

Late night musings

So here's the deal.  I am tired.  Nothing new there, I know I am always saying I am tired.  Yet I really think I am a high energy person.  I run and talk to do all the time it seems like.  Not really.  I have plenty of time to sit and watch TV, especially in the evening with Nick.

The last time I wrote, I wrote about trying to see the good and look past what "needs" to be done.   I have been really trying, and am succeeding.  But doing something new like this is hard.

On the weekend I planted most of the plants I have bought for the front of the house and for my window boxes and containers.  I am really happy about that.  It's funny how they were just limp little flower, in need of water when I put them into the ground.  After planting and watering them you could almost see them straighten up and say "ahh, that's more like it".   They look happier with their roots in the ground.  The rain today has helped too.

I spent a part of my day doing things for my family members.   Going to appointments and learning, or at least getting some ideas on how to facilitate change.

I cancelled some appointments and made some new ones.

I pulled some weeds when I was outside in the rain with the dog.  Weeds are much easier to pull when the ground is wet.

By evening I was worn out.  Emotionally I was drained.  All of the appointments I made were of an emotional nature in one way or another.  How to help one person to launch from the nest and helping another launch, temporarily to somewhere dangerous.  Feelings of undertoad are lurking.

Love and attachment are everything.  But, they are frightening.  The more you have, the more you have to lose.   But, if you have nothing to lose, you have nothing at all.

I am at a point in my life where my contemporaries and myself are saying we don't want to get old.  That aging sucks.  Well, I guess the reason we/ I feel like this is that physical restrictions are becoming a reality.  And they can only get more profound with time and greater age.   I'll be 59 in less than a week.  I am fat and my knees hurt.   I sweat too much.   I am getting pimples- what's that all about.   I go to the gym, and I know that contributes greatly to my well being.  I do have greater stamina and mobility than I did before starting to work out.  I am not taking diet seriously enough, hence I have a huge belly that gets in my way when I do Pilates.

My family loves me as I am (though I know they want me to lose weight and be healthier).  The moms and babies I help have only know the "current" me.  They seem to love me too.  Or if not love, at least appreciate me.   I make a difference most of the time.

I know, I should write a book!  I am always being told that.  I have so many stories.  But everyone does.   And right now, this is my bedtime story as I head off to the land of nod....... 

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