Thursday, November 9, 2017

More questions than answers

I've been thinking about something.  When I was in high school, one of my teachers told me about her husband's strange behavior.  She was young- in her 20s.   And they were fairly newly married.  She said her husband would come home in the evening and go lie down.  He didn't want to talk.  he was argumentative.   Sometimes he would cry.

It was so bizarre and alarming.  Next thing I knew, the teacher's husband had a brain tumor.   I was probably 15 or 16 and I just knew that it was something terrible.  I didn't know enough to be curious or to ask questions. 

After the school year, I went to spend the summer in Oregon with my grandmother.  Turns out my teacher was in Oregon too.  So I went into Portland to spend the day with her.  She was so thin and nervous.  She told me that he husband was in a nursing home and was in a vegetative state.  She offered to take me to see him but I declined.

We went to my teacher's in-laws for dinner.  Teacher's mother in law said that she had been to see her son that day and he had recognized her and spoke.    After we left my teacher told me it was so hard.  Her husband's parents were certain their son was recovering.  My teacher knew he was dying.

Ultimately, the teacher's husband did die.  She got married again and had a baby.  I went to see the baby in the new hospital.  That was over 40 years ago.

I have not seen my teacher since then.  That baby is all grown and may even have children of her own.   The teacher's first husband died as a young man.  His parents lost their child.  My teacher lost her love.  Life went on.  Life goes on.

And now I have my second brain tumor.   I didn't die with the first one, and I am not going to die with this one.

I suspect my teacher's husband had a cancerous brain tumor.  I am told that mine is not cancer.   I wonder, how was a brain tumor diagnosed 45 years ago.  How was it treated?  

I don't have answers.  Just more questions.   Not "why me" sort of questions.  Why not.   Just "why" in the first place.

I'm tired.   I'm lucky.  I'll be okay.  But, honestly, what the fuck!  

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