Seasons? Circle of Life?

 Some people say that everything happens for a reason.   Huh.  Really?    I supposed you can create a reason so things make sense.   But I think things just happen.

Now I don't mean regular stuff.  Like, putting the pizza into a hot oven makes it cook.   The cooked pizza is the thing that happened and the reason is that you put it in the oven when the oven was hot.  

Not sure if I am articulating this very well.

So, what am I getting at?  Well, for months I have been grieving over the deaths of too many friends.  Cancer is a biggie.   Three (at least) people I know have either died from their cancer or have cancer that might take them away.  Covid 19.  People that I only know in the sense that I know the loved ones of the people who have died.    We have all borne witness to the devastation this disease had wrought.   Accidents.   Two friends have died from falls.   One fell off of his roof.  The other fell down the stairs and fractured his skull.   One was immediate  (the fall from the roof) and the fall from down the stairs looked for a brief moment like recovery might happen.  One friend died because at almost 94 her body was just done.

Then the other day it struck me.  There are reasons to be happy.  Joyful even .One step relative had twins in December- and they are thriving!     A friend I only know on Facebook had a much wanted and loved daughter.  After numerous pregnancy losses she is truly in awe that her body was able to make this child and nourish her too.

My closest cousin, who already has three grandchildren is ecstatic to learn that she has three more grandchildren on the way.  A set of twins and a singleton. 

Babies and birth, when wanted, are such an affirmation of life. Like springtime.  All the trees and flowers are budding and new and beautiful.

And I titled this "Seasons".  Because things change and cycle and seem to renew somehow.  

Trees are the easiest examples of this.  In the fall, many trees turn beautiful colors- then the colorful  leaves fall off leaving the tree looking dead.   Naked and cold.   Spring comes and the little buds appear.  And then flowers and leaves.

And so, friends age and lose some of their vigor and sparkle.   And they die.  It is so sad.   And unlike the trees, they will not sprout new growth in the next season.  They are merely memories and old pictures and stories shared with mutual friends.

Babies are conceived and born.  They are so hard to figure out and so simple too.  And they are bright and they sparkle.   

Three seasons in the life of a cherry tree

This is the spooky old tree behind our house.    We call it that because it reminds us of a book we used to read to the kids:

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I woke up grumpy

 Actually, I woke up just fine. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom.  When I came back to bed, Buddy (the dog) had moved right on top of my pillow.  If he is lying parallel to the edge of the bed, it's not hard to get him to scoot over.  But, no, he wouldn't budge.  So I was not able to get back to sleep.   And now I have been up since 6:00 am and am grumpy.

I have a small sore in my mouth.  It looks like an infection at the site of an implant.  I saw the oral surgeon last week.  I see the regular dentist on Wednesday to have it cleaned out.  That makes me feel grumpy/

I got my first shingles shot yesterday.  My arm is sore.    I was prepared to feel really sick.  But I don't feel sick.  Just grumpy. And I have a headache.

I miss my kids.   I send emails, often group emails.  I know that they would prefer that I not send group emails.   But I don't know what to say.  Or, I am afraid I will say the "wrong thing" whatever that is.   Just a note saying "got your email" would be nice.  An acknowledgment that they are still alive somewhere and that I matter.  I feel like saying that to any of them will make them call me passive aggressive.   So I am sad.  And grumpy.

We, Nick and I, are coming up on our 50th anniversary.   I think that's pretty special.  I want to do something to celebrate.   But I cannot think of what to do without putting anyone/ everyone out.  I'd love to do something that includes the kids and my sister and other family.   Our 25th anniversary was important to me but I ended up feeling like I had to fight for it.  We did have a wonderful day- renewing our vows and having a party.  But I was sad because I had to convince Nick that it was important.  When your feelings are not taken seriously, even if you end up with what you wanted, it makes you sad.

Also there's a wedding on the weekend of our anniversary and there are out of town relatives who are attending the wedding who are staying with us.     It's hard to say no, so I said yes.   But I honestly don't know what else to do.   So I am grumpy.

And I am tired.

let sleeping dogs lie

The finches are yellow, it must be spring!

 I have birdfeeders and so, I have a lot of birds around.  I don't remember being into birdfeeders much until 2001 when my brother died.  

My sister and I went a little grief crazy and cleared and planted in my back yard.  The yard was pretty overgrown, so I went out and bought a chain saw.  As I wielded that chain saw I said "I am a woman with a chain saw, look out!"

Part of that landscaping included planting trees, bushes and flowers.  And putting in a pole for birdfeeders.   Ever since then I have had bird feeders.    

I didn't know a lot about birds, just that I liked them.  The finches were such a brilliant shade of yellow- they represented hope and joy to me.   I had a finch feeder hanging where I could see it from my sewing room window.  

As the season changed, the yellow finches turned brown.  I didn't know that they did that, but I learned. And I learned that in the early spring their brown becomes tinted with yellow and than one day they are all over bright yellow.  It is spring here now- the finches told me.

This pretty bird- I am not sure what is is, was stunned from flying into the back door I think.  He allowed me to hold him and I got a picture.   

When I go outside in the morning I hear the birds singing up a storm.  I love it!   After dark I hear the occasional owl.  But mostly I hear the frogs with their own kind of evening concert going on.

 

The month of March

 I have been doing some remembering today.   In March 1981, I was living with my in laws in Falls Church, Virginia.   Or at least I was staying there.   We as a family, Nick and Courtney and I, were living in Poznan, Poland.   

When I was seven months pregnant, Courtney and I and my pregnant belly flew to Dulles Airport where we were picked up by my in-laws  Ostensibly we were there for the birth of Morgan.    Nick stayed in Poland.

Morgan was born March 4, 1981.  Nick came "home" to Virginia for Morgan's birth- and for Courtney's third birthday a week before Morgan was born.

I remember, after Nick had gone back, the cherry tree in front of my in-law's house.  Big pink flowers that looked like pink snow blowing in the wind.

In March 1991, our fifth child, Chance was three months old.  We were living Guangzhou, China.  Austin was three, almost four years old.  Austin and Chance and I flew to Dulles Airport and were picked up by friends.  My mother and step-father were also at the airport because they wanted to see the baby.  My mother saw the baby (Chance) in the carrier I had him in and she said she thought he looked gray.   

Chance and I spent several days in the hospital, while a good, dear friend took care of Austin.  I had rented a red car and I remember looking out of the hospital window and seeing snow falling on my red car.

In March 2004, my mother died.   My mother's brother and his wife, and my mother's sister and her husband as well as my sister and I were with my mother when she died.   She was buried in March too, I think.

In March 2014, I had been fretting about turning 60 when I was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  Needless to say, turning 60 was a breeze.  Brain surgery not so much.

In March 2020, I was scheduled for knee replacement surgery  It was the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic and I cancelled my surgery.

In March 2021 Nick and I got the first of our Covid vaccines.   

And now it is March 2022.   There is war in Ukraine started by Russia.  The pandemic is not over but somehow we are relaxing about it I guess.  Today I went into the grocery store without a mask (I forgot it) for the first time in two years.

I have two dear friends fighting cancer this year.  It is March 2022.  

Buds are coming out on the trees and bushes.  In the evening I can hear frogs.  In the morning the bird are having a huge concert- or maybe it's a jazz session.  They sound happy to my non- bird ears.

Am I a "maker"?*

 

Something I seem to be really good at is watching TV.   Reading emails and looking at Facebook.  For hours.  Knitting.  

Somehow, during a pandemic these are all good skills to have.  I am sure to many, my life sounds boring and maybe.   

But here's the thing.  I am a craft junkie.   I look at every crafting catalog that comes along.  I long to do everything. All of it.  Knitting, cross-stitch, weaving, even spinning wool.    If I felt that I had any talent I would love to be able to draw and paint.  I am pretty good at photography though I would like to be better.

Where does this desire to create and make things come from?   Is it part of my being maternal?   All creating ?     Is it genetic?  Both of my grandmothers were always creating some sort of needle craft or another.  

My maternal grandmother could knit and crochet.  I have a beautiful blanket that she crocheted for me over 50 years ago.  And I know that she made similar blankets for my cousins.  I have the Barbie doll clothes that she knitted for me and my dolls.   

My paternal grandmother did knitting and crocheting as well, and also some embroidery.   I have some beautiful, lace table cloths that she crocheted in a very fine stitch with thread and small hooks.  I have a couple of embroidered items she made as well.

I am sure that both them did much of their early needlework as a matter of practicality.   Darning holes in socks when there was little money for new socks and a great disdain for waste when something could be repaired rather than replaced.

But I don't have that kind of need.   I did sew a lot of my clothes when I was in high school as did my sister and many of my friends.   Two of the bridesmaids dresses in my wedding were home made.

It was, back then, cheaper to make your own clothes than to buy ready made.  This was before there were so many inexpensive products imported for China and other countries that pay very low wages and can churn out inexpensive clothing.  

I still like sewing.  When I was the day care provider for my sister's two granddaughters, I made them a lot of really cute, matching dresses.  I knitted sweaters for them too.    It is largely done as an act of love with a good dose of creativity thrown in.  I have never seen anything similar to what I have created (knitted or sewed) in the stores.

I love knitting for new babies.  Often when I know someone with a new baby I will knit something- usually a sweater.  Sometimes too small, sometimes too big.  But it's the thought and love that counts.   I even took a knitting project to the hospital when I had brain surgery- I was working on a sweater for a friend's son.

I am not really sure I need to over analyze why I knit and create.   I just do.   I get such a feeling of calm and purpose.

I made a hat for a friend who was about to lose her hair to chemo.  I was about to lose my hair to brain surgery, so I made a matching hat for myself.  I recently sent the hat that I made for myself to another friend who has lost her hair to chemo.    I bought yarn to knit more hats for this friend but I just cannot make myself do it.  I feel fairly certain that she is about to lose her battle.

Another friend who is going through cancer treatment has a scarf/ shawl I made specifically for her.  The yarn is so soft.  She told me that when she was undergoing chemo, while she had blankets on her body, the scarf kept her neck and shoulders warm.   I cannot  cure anything.  But I can send love and hugs that I have put myself into.  Every stitch is love.

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*“A 'maker' is someone who can take an idea and bring it to life. They are able to use a tool or supplies in a creative way to realize something.”

Corona Virus 19. It's been here for two years now

 On March 11, 2020, coronavirus was officially designated as a pandemic.  I was scheduled to have knee replacement surgery on March 17, 2020.  I cancelled.  I was afraid, rightly so, to  go into the hospital.  I was concerned about having physical therapy and being around people.    I started to sew masks- but after the first couple of masks I just couldn't do any more sewing.

I kept thinking that the covid news would stop soon.  Like when there is a big snow storm predicted- and the new people all talk about it  The the snow happens and melts and nobody cares anymore.  But that's not what happened.  

We were oh so careful.   Keeping socially distant from other people.  For a while there were arrows on the floor in the grocery store making each aisle one way in order to keep people from being to close to other people.   There were lines in front of Costco, and only a certain amount of people were allowed in at a time.  Hand sanitizer was sold our.  Toilet paper was being rationed to one pack per family.  Schools were closed.   Virtual working became the norm.  Cruises were cancelled.

I am not sure where we are in all this now.   Mask mandated are being removed.   There are vaccines against covid now.  I will continue to wear a mask when I shop.   

Every Sunday morning I watch the TV show CBS Sunday morning.  Every Sunday they have posted a list of statistics about covid.  Then, for the last two weeks they have not shown them.  

I don't think it's all gone and over.  I think we are getting used to it or tired of it or both.

Below is the screen shot I made today from the TV.  

Here is a collage of a few of the pictures I have taken to represent the covid effect.

From the Washington Post:

The latest

Two years into the pandemic, the U.S. recovery is uneven, the road ahead unclear. For now, things are quiescent. Daily caseloads are lower than they've been since July. Mask mandates and other public health requirements have been rolled back. The sense of relief is palpable after a winter of soaring infections from the omicron variant. 

But the virus is still claiming thousands of lives every week and new variants are bound to emerge eventually. Looking ahead, the optimistic scenario is that we get a new variant that's not as transmissible as omicron, not as lethal as delta, explains my colleague Lena Sun, who has covered the pandemic since the very beginning. The pessimistic scenario is that the next one is as bad or worse and sickens many people. “We will need to remember to do the other things that work, right? Get vaccinated, get boosted, wear your mask,” Sun said. “You just can’t take your foot off the gas pedal completely.” (Watch her full interview reflecting on the pandemic here.)

Against that backdrop, Congress this week failed to reach an agreement on how to fund the government's pandemic response. A $15.6 billion spending plan collapsed in Congress on Wednesday amid disagreement over how to pay for it. The White House says more money is needed to keep federal health programs running and prepare for new variants or infection surges. Without new funding, officials say the United States is poised to run out of tests, treatments and vaccines. 

While masks are coming off around the country, Americans will still have to cover up during air travel and on public transit for another month. Transportation officials on Thursday extended masking requirements for commercial airlines, buses, trains and ferries through at least April 18. The mandate was originally set to expire at the end of next week. Officials didn't offer a rationale for the decision, saying only that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was working with federal agencies to determine “when, and under what circumstances, masks should be required in the public transportation corridor.”

A growing number of Americans are ready to move on from the pandemic. But it will take years to fully absorb and assess how profoundly the virus has transformed the country. To help people take stock of what we've gone through since March 2020, my colleagues and I created a series of questions and data visualizations related to some of the pandemic's most consequential issues and trends. Take a look and see how you fit in.

The two-year anniversary of the pandemic is especially solemn for those who lost loved ones in the early days of the crisis. Some are still dealing with funeral expenses and probate court cases. Others have gotten sick themselves. My colleague Antonio Olivio spoke with some of these early mourners about their struggles and about how they've found hope and closure amid the heartache. 

Other important news

The pandemic isn't over, “but it is within our grasp to end it," a group of world leaders, economists, humanitarians, scientists and celebrities say in an open letter.

Fraudulent loans, identity theft, fake cures: The Justice Department reports more than $8 billion in alleged fraud tied to federal coronavirus aid programs. 

Travel is coming back. Here's what you need to know to navigate your next trip. 

China’s legislative meeting ends amid the country's worst covid-19 outbreak in two years. 

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And it's been over two weeks since Russia invaded Ukraine 

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Friends

We've known Billye for over twenty years.   She was a character, which I know is a simple way of saying that there were so many things to love about her it's easier to say "she was a character".

We spoke briefly last week.  She said she needed hospice care.  She was dying.  She knew it and I am sure she was ready.  She got to live long enough to meet her beloved great grandson.  She was 96.

It is with great sadness that I report our friend Billye Stevens peacefully departed this world last evening, next to her beloved windowsill garden, and surrounded by her loving family. Your words and prayers were all read to her this week and such a comfort in her final hours. May her memory be a blessing.

I've lost an awful lot of friends in the last few years. Florence in January. Terry and Stephanie and Gary and David. Several friends have lost a parent to covid. Two cousins lost their partners to covid.

Two friends are going through a lot while they fight cancer.

And now there's a war in Ukraine and people are dying there too.

It's part of life, I know that. And I know that the pain in losing a dear one is because there was love first.

I want to live to be old because I love life. Flowers and birds and people, especially people. My loved ones. But, it seems the older you get, the more dead people you know. And so it goes.