Frustration

 Someone wrote on Facebook once recently "why do women get angry when they clean house".   Well, who knows.   But the feelings are really there.  I think that some of it is because we do things that we don't feel appreciated for.

For example:  Yesterday I cleaned off the stove top.  I removed the knobs and the cast iron parts that the pots are placed on (I'm sure there's a name for them).  I really cleaned a lot of grease and grime.  And I polished.  The dirt has been bothering me for a long time and I finally decided to do something about it.  here's the thing- nobody even noticed that it was dirty.  Or if they did, they didn't care.  And I am reasonably sure that if I had not pointed out to Nick how clean the stove was, nobody would have noticed.   Yes, I did clean it ostensibly for myself.  But why then does it bother me?  

Dirty Stove-top

Clean and shiny stove-top

 

When we first came back from Thailand, when Courtney was a baby, I used to clean house every day.  Bathrooms, kitchen, vacuumed the rug .  And I made lists of what I had done every day.  I wanted Nick to see when he got home from work that I had been working too.  I don't know if I felt unappreciated. or what..  I think I felt like I was working really hard and none of what I was doing, what I thought was important,had any value to anyone buy myself.   Maybe that should be good enough.  

I have always, since kids, tried to keep the house clean.  Laundry done and folded and put away.  Tables and counters wiped down.   I know I did it because it was important to me.   But damn it, doesn't it matter that it is important to me .

It feels like I am not respected for working so hard.   There are no prizes.   But, on the other hand, there is such a rewarding feeling to get all of the household work done.  A pile of white, clean diapers being folded up is so nice.

Here's how my mind works:  if I died tomorrow, nobody would ever fold laundry again, or clean the floor, or empty the refrigerator and clean it.   Or clean the stove.   I find these to be important tasks, but when I am gone, nobody will even notice the things that I did to make a nice house and home.

I know everyone is different.  Everyone has the things that they feel are important.  Cleaning and organizing are important to me.   I am not sure what parts of me my kids have inherited.  They are all smart.  They are caring and compassionate.  They are all wonderful and good people .  I am proud of all of those things.   

My mother was a master clothes folder.  Even after her stroke she folded her clothes nice and neat before putting them away.  She didn't like spots of water on the kitchen counter.  As a kid I don't think I noticed except to complain when she told me to keep my feet off of the coffee table.  Well, I still put my feet on the coffee table.   But, aside from that, I inherited her clean gene.   I think it is so much in my genes that even if I had been adopted into another family, I would still have to fold my underwear and sheets and towels and put them away "right".  

I am rambling, but I feel better.  I have felt so down all day.   

We have this huge house and we are only living in a third of it.  The upstairs is occupied by one Sherwood adult child and the basement is occupied by another adult Sherwood child. 

I love my kids with all my heart and soul.  But I look forward to them being settled into their places.  Soon.  It will be soon.

It really isn't like having your kids around when they are little.  Then you can treat them like kids.  But now they are adults and I don't know how to act I guess.

And now I will invite Nick to fall asleep in front of the TV while we "watch" something together.