Borrowed from Facebook

 

Here I am. Not much new

I have been feeling so blah lately.    I guess it is  depression and lack of desire to do much of anything.  I have all sorts of things I want to do.  But I don't.  Once I get started on something- anything- I get going.  It's just starting that I am finding so hard.

I sit and I knit.   I watch TV.  I "do" Facebook.   I want to walk and exercise but it hurts too much.

I am annoyed with myself that I am above the weight I need to be to get my second knee replacement.  I am working on it.  Really I am.

And I think about the kids-my kids- all the time.  I miss them.  I day dream about buying houses in various places near where they are.  One in Portland, near Courtney's house.  One in Maine near Austin's house.  I have not seen Morgan & Kim's new to them house, so I don't have a fantasy of houses there.  And, living here, in Aldie, I feel like Darcy & Jody, and Chance, can come visit here any time.

Going through a box this afternoon I found old pictures that Nick's dad took.  Many of them are contact prints so they are pretty hard to identify.  And, there are no labels or notes saying what they are, where they are and when they were taken.    And it brings me to that feeling of regret that Nick and I left so many things unsaid and unknown.  There are questions we want to ask, but can't.   Information and memories that will never be known or shared.   It's times like that when I really miss people.  My mom and dad, Nick's parents.  All of the grandparents.  All of those who were there before and we never knew.

And then, out of the blue, Austin sent me this wonderful picture of himself with a pumpkin that he grew.   And I feel good.  

Twenty Years Ago Today

 

First Person Experience- copied and borrowed with permission

 

Connie Davis

1a3toSp hlonsrosraefdnla  · 

I have permission from my cousin, Shari, to share her recent experience. She has experience with hospitals as both an employee and a patient. It’s worth reading to the end. Like Shari, I’m worried about my adult son who has to have abdominal CTs and just got through a bout of severe diverticulitis last week, plus I’m concerned about my pregnant daughter due next month in a hospital very busy trying to save COVID patients, right now. Hospitals are trying to serve people, even those who are not protecting others even when it’s possible. Here is Shari’s view:

“Sorry this is LONG. I just wanted to share my experience yesterday afternoon. It was extremely eye opening. As many of you know I had a pretty scary hospital stay last October. Well, a few days ago I started having the EXACT same symptoms that dang near killed me. Initially, I didn’t go to the hospital for a couple of reasons. 1. The staff are absolutely overwhelmed. 2. There are sicker patients than me, so I didn’t want to take away from them. 3. I just didn’t want to take “time”. James finally took me to the ER yesterday.

Once there it was like a war zone. I have never in my life experienced such sickness. It’s really only the stuff you see on TV not in real life. As you go in you are asked a million questions, given a hospital grade mask, and triaged. Lots of COVID questions and if you’ve been vaccinated. This was 3 pm in the afternoon on a Wednesday. James and I were secluded with the other folks who were not there for COVID. The positive and potential COVID patients were taken to another area. This is what I witnessed: Patient comes in with 2 teenage children. She is almost completely out of it. Head back, eyes closed, shallow breathing, and coughing uncontrollable. Her kids were TERRIFIED. They told the check in gal their Mom was positive for COVID and not vaccinated. They whisked her to the COVID area. Another patient (older) comes in with his brother. Again, positive for COVID and has never had a vaccine in his life. He probably isn’t going to make it. We over heard his brother talking to someone on the phone and they were making “final arrangements”. Patient #3 comes in slumped over in a wheelchair. Positive for COVID and not vaccinated. Patient #4 leaving the ER is waiting for her ride, positive for COVID (unknown vaccination status). This same patient scenario happened close to 10 times in the 2 hours I was waiting to be seen. I was triaged as “wait” because there were so many COVID patients coming in. Yet, if I had the same thing as last October I could easily rupture internally and die within minutes.

Other things I saw: One patient came out from the back of the ER screaming at staff for not being fast enough. He screamed “I’m never coming back to this f***king place!” I thought well with that attitude they are probably happy about that! The check in gal, who was older, got reamed more times than I can count. At one point when she was sitting at the desk, she had tears streaming down her face. She kept saying to herself “there are just so many sick people, when will this stop!” She cried about the 2 teenage kids who had no one but their Mom. No one to come pick them up. They had no idea if their Mom was going to live or die. At one point there was a patient in the waiting room that came from another hospital. Very irate. A doctor actually came out and talked to them. He was so sympathetic, yet the people were awful to him. They can only do so much when there is so many sick people!

When I finally got a room, I asked the doc “please just give me a quick CT and if there are no abscesses I will get out of the way” I had 2 docs and they were the best ER docs I’ve ever had. They were so kind. You could see how tired they both are. The male doc was a bit irritated that I didn’t come in the minute the symptoms started. He said “you know this could be really bad for you!” I told him I knew, but didn’t want to take away from the COVID and super sick patients. He said if he had a dollar for every time, he’s heard this recently. He said “don’t you EVER feel guilty about coming to see us!” The nurses were top notch. But you could see they were tired, overwhelmed, and sad. I thanked each of them for their selflessness.

This just isn’t at the hospital it’s EVERYWHERE. I have family members who are in the hospital or sick with COVID. I have friends who have COVID and are in the hospital. I have one friend who’s been on a ventilator for 2 weeks. He’s in his 40’s. I had another beautiful friend who had COVID and everyone thought she wasn’t going to make it. On a ventilator not doing good at all. Thank God, she pulled through. I have seen friends lose their family members to COVID.

This post is not a debate. I am simply sharing my thoughts and feelings. When will it stop? When will people take this seriously? I understand some people can’t get vaccinated for health reasons. I get it. But, at what point do people realize there is enough sickness and death that might be prevented by getting a vaccine? I know people are passionate about “not being told what to do” “I’m not being mandated to have a shot!” It’s your choice, but why should those who choose not to get vaccinated go around and infect many more? I couldn't work for 2 weeks because someone not vaccinated chose to go to work KNOWING he was positive. For the love of God, if you are able to get the vaccine, please consider doing it.

If you not vaccinated, I still love you and pray you don’t get sick.”

I read obituaries

 I don't think of myself as being obsessed with/ by death.  It's something that we all go through.  Now that my parents, my brother, and my in-laws are dead I am probably more profoundly aware of my own mortality than I was when they were still living.

Over the 50 years that Nick and I have been together we have lost many pets to death.  It's been so sad and terrible and hard to understand.  Sometimes unexpected but it's what happens when you live with domestic animals.   You enter into the parent roll with pets with the knowledge, perhaps hope, that you will outlive them.      Our pets are our "babies" in a special way and we have a special bond with them.   But in general our relationship with our pets is only shared with a few people.

The people in our lives, on the other hand, have lives outside of their relationships with us.   We don't "own" our family and friends.  We share them with the world.   

Now, back to my saying that I read obituaries.  Why do I read them?   I don't think it is macrabe, although I have been known to have a black sense of humor.   No, I read them because they are interesting.  I learn about people who somebody cared enough about to write a few words to share.   The most basic obits says "he left to be with our Lord".   More detailed ones have the person's whole life history  A story of where they were born, what they did professionally, who they left behind and who pre-deceased them.   Often I will find myself feeling a connection and even a bond with someone I had never heard of before.   My world grows in this way.

Occasionally, I will see the name of someone I know/ knew.   And a memory of that person elicits is the thought of how I knew them.  

The world is diminished by the loss of an individual yet often, enhanced by the person's contributions to their family, friends and community.

I have more thoughts on this.  Maybe I will write more on the subject at another time.