Central Casting

 One of the last times I saw my father- maybe even the last time- before he became bedridden with dementia and wasting away of old age, I remember my impressions. I had not seen him for awhile.  At least a couple of years.   My dad walked a little bent forward.  He shuffled his feet.  He seemed a little bit confused.   I really thought he looked like a type cast old man.  He must have been about 80. I guess he was old.  

How does all of this work?  I remember my dad as a man who would put on his "walking shoes", heavy soled leather, lace up.   And he would walk.  For miles.  He was not a high energy runner/ jogger. But he was strong and he had stamina.  I remember walking with him, holding one finger that he held out for me.  Maybe I held his hand too, but I don't remember that.

Then I look at myself.  And Nick.  My knees hurt. My calf hurts from a ruptured Baker's cyst .   Nick has gout. We both walk with difficulty.   And I think of how we must seem.  Do we look old?  Do we seem old?   Do we feel old?  Yes, yes and maybe.   Our kids are getting old.   43 years since we became parents!   Our second born is about to turn 40!   Our baby is 30!

I am often tired.  I am sure that a lot of my tiredness is from my weight. I am at least 100lb overweight.  I have arthritis in my knees.  Or at least the one knee that has not been replaced yet.   I have depression.  By that I mean I am not  "depressed" about anything in particular.  It is just part of my biology. Who I am.   I take antidepressants every day.  Ever since I started taking them- years ago, I feel more able to function that before.   If I do not take them  I don't feel like "me".

I often say, jokingly, I wish I had known about antidepressants when the kids were young.  I would have been [I believe] a nicer, happier and less angry mother.    I feel like my kids suffered because of my mental health.   That doesn't mean I would never have gotten angry or upset.  But I think I would not have gotten so angry as often.   No way to know.  I think that regret is part of mother- guilt.

And so, this getting older thing.   I keep thinking that I am going to "get better"like you do when you have a bad cold or something.   I want be the busy, high energy person I was.  In my imagination I am traveling, sewing, knitting, hiking.   Being busy.  

Maybe the pandemic has something to do with the lack of gumption?  (good word isn't it?).   

Nick and I are getting our first Covid 19 vaccination tomorrow.  I hope that after the second vaccination I will start feeling more optimistic.

I think that I will work more seriously on my weight.  I will plan on having knee relpacement surgery in about six months.   After being vaccinated I won't be so afraid to go to physical therapy.  I know that will help.   

Nick's gout has to clear up.  My body has some healing to do.  The world also has a lot of recovering to do.  And then we will be off and running.  Or at least walking.