Central Casting

 One of the last times I saw my father- maybe even the last time- before he became bedridden with dementia and wasting away of old age, I remember my impressions. I had not seen him for awhile.  At least a couple of years.   My dad walked a little bent forward.  He shuffled his feet.  He seemed a little bit confused.   I really thought he looked like a type cast old man.  He must have been about 80. I guess he was old.  

How does all of this work?  I remember my dad as a man who would put on his "walking shoes", heavy soled leather, lace up.   And he would walk.  For miles.  He was not a high energy runner/ jogger. But he was strong and he had stamina.  I remember walking with him, holding one finger that he held out for me.  Maybe I held his hand too, but I don't remember that.

Then I look at myself.  And Nick.  My knees hurt. My calf hurts from a ruptured Baker's cyst .   Nick has gout. We both walk with difficulty.   And I think of how we must seem.  Do we look old?  Do we seem old?   Do we feel old?  Yes, yes and maybe.   Our kids are getting old.   43 years since we became parents!   Our second born is about to turn 40!   Our baby is 30!

I am often tired.  I am sure that a lot of my tiredness is from my weight. I am at least 100lb overweight.  I have arthritis in my knees.  Or at least the one knee that has not been replaced yet.   I have depression.  By that I mean I am not  "depressed" about anything in particular.  It is just part of my biology. Who I am.   I take antidepressants every day.  Ever since I started taking them- years ago, I feel more able to function that before.   If I do not take them  I don't feel like "me".

I often say, jokingly, I wish I had known about antidepressants when the kids were young.  I would have been [I believe] a nicer, happier and less angry mother.    I feel like my kids suffered because of my mental health.   That doesn't mean I would never have gotten angry or upset.  But I think I would not have gotten so angry as often.   No way to know.  I think that regret is part of mother- guilt.

And so, this getting older thing.   I keep thinking that I am going to "get better"like you do when you have a bad cold or something.   I want be the busy, high energy person I was.  In my imagination I am traveling, sewing, knitting, hiking.   Being busy.  

Maybe the pandemic has something to do with the lack of gumption?  (good word isn't it?).   

Nick and I are getting our first Covid 19 vaccination tomorrow.  I hope that after the second vaccination I will start feeling more optimistic.

I think that I will work more seriously on my weight.  I will plan on having knee relpacement surgery in about six months.   After being vaccinated I won't be so afraid to go to physical therapy.  I know that will help.   

Nick's gout has to clear up.  My body has some healing to do.  The world also has a lot of recovering to do.  And then we will be off and running.  Or at least walking.

Birthdays

Five times  year I reflect on my kids' birthdays. February 25, 1978,  March 4, 1981, August 31, 1984, May 3, 1987 & December 6, 1990

Five babies.  Five kids, teens, and five adults.  My youngest is 30!   My oldest is 43 today!

I remember learning I was pregnant with each one and being so happy.  I remember morning sickness.  Nausea.   Not being able to stand the smell of coffee or bacon.  I remember being so totally tired, exhausted .  Falling alseep at 8:00 pm.  My belly growing big and me, waddling like a pregnant woman!   

Five births.  Each one different and I remember them all.   I'm sure that none of them want to hear their birth stories- again.   But, Nick and I can share the memories.   The scary times and the joy too.  

Learning to breastfeed.  Thinking that I knew everything there was to know because I had read all the books, and realizing that my babies did not read the books or know the rules.  They only knew how to be babies.  Hungry, warm little beings that were totally dependent on me for thier food.   What a frightening and awesome responsibilty.   

We,my babies and I, were one being for awhile as they grew inside my body.  And again when we were nursing- my milk going into thier bellies and watching them grow .

And now they are amazing adults and I am older and more frail.  

Happy Birthday!

Nancy in labor with Courtney

Newborn Courtney

Morgan's first hospital picture

Newborn Darcy in Tromso

Austin a few days old

Chance in the hospital

 

 

Silly, stressful, scary, annoying and we survived

 That all make my short little adventure sound much more dramatic than it was.

My sister came over yesterday.  That is usually a pretty normal thing.  Pre pandemic we saw each other at least once a week.  We would hang out at her place or mine.  Watch TV.  Maybe go out to eat.  But, in this past year we hardly see each other at all.  

When my sister was pulling into the driveway, I opened the door to let Buddy (dog) run out to greet her.  Thing is, the driveway was so icy my sistercouldn't get out of her car.  She started manouvering her car to get into a safer space.  But Buddy was running all around the car.  My son's can is in the driveway, so I grabbed the door handle expecting the soundto get Buddy to run to that car.  Well, the car was not locked, so the door opened and Buddy jumped in.

My sister and I laughed at Buddy in my son's car.   But, Buddy managed to push on the door lock and lock the car.  The whole car.  All of the doors.   Opps!

I knew that my son had left keys here so I ran to get them.  None of those keys were car keys.   I texted my son to see where the keys might be.  He has them.  He is in Maine.

Meanwhile, Buddy is locked in the car.  He's barking and looking excited and happy.  I'm sure he was wondering where we were going and when were we leaving.

I called car insurance/ roadside assist company.  They were really busy and it would be several hours before they could do anything.  I couldn't just leave Buddy locked in the car.

Next I calleda locksmith.  They took less than an hour to come and unlock the car and free Buddy.

Initially I laughed because I thought I had tricked Buddy into thinking we were going out.  Then I panicked when I discovered that the  car keys was hundreds of miles away.  I was afraid that Buddy would get totally stressed out by seeing me and me not getting into the car or letting him out.

I was annoyed with myself for letting such a dumb thing happen.  My son was upset that the dog was inside his car.   (frankly the inside of the car is a bit of a mess).

I was grateful that the weather was cold and Buddy was not going to die of a heat stroke.

And today, Buddy and I are hanging out watching TV.  I wonder if he will dream about being stuck inside a car?  

                                                            Buddy locked in the car!

Snow, no snow, sleet, melting, more snow

 I don't really have a first memory of snow.   It's just always been a part of winter- at least in most of the places we've lived.

I remember snow in Afghanistan.  We went skiing - there was no chair lift- just a rope that was made into a pulley using some sort of motor at the top of the hill/ mountain.   My mom, my brother and I went to ski.  I don't think my dad or sister went.   I remember being carried piggy-back by some Afghan men to get to wherever it was I needed to be.

My mom was pretty athletic when she was young.  She and Dale went flying down the mountain.  I slid and went up and slid and went up.  My mom had bought me some beautiful ski boots from a place called "The German Store".  She got our skis there too.  My boots were not some sort of cheap kids boots, they were just like the ones the adults wore.

We had a black dog [in Afghanistan] named Scamp.   Some where there's a home movie of us kids running around the yard, in the snow, with Scamp.

I could write volumes about snow.   We lived in Northern Norway for two years.    Funny,  my mother in law asked if we were sick of snow after living in Norway and we said "no"!  She hated it (snow)

Our daughter told us that she picked her college based on the fact that there were snow pictures in the brochure.

Last year we hardly got any snow.  This year it's been weird.  It seems like we get snow forecasts for weekends,the snow falls, it melts, and the next weekend it falls again!

For the last few years, with my over weight and unwieldy body it's been challenging for me to feel safe walking in the slippery stuff.  With my bad knees, falling down is risky because if I fall I am not sure if I can get up.

Still, the white stuff is so beautiful!

December 6 through February 25th

 Those dates are the times/ dates on the calendar when the kids ages are all three years apart.    So, for now, their ages are 30, 33, 36. 39 & 42.   I remember when they were little thinking of those three year increments 3-6-9-12-15.     

Of course it is trite asking yourself "where has the time gone?".  But it's also a real question.  A mind -blower.    Time travel is not real, or is it?

I wake up in the morning and I ask myself what the heck happened?   Did we really have all those kids?  That crazy, noisy house?   

It's a good thing we were as young as we were when we had little kids.   

I am sure that the kids are all tired of me telling stories about what they did when they were little.  But, they started out as a piece of me.  Inside my body.   Living, truly from the blood my heart pumped, and then the milk my body made for them.   So, the fact that all five kids are as independent and don't really "need" me or us, they are us.   They are the dust that we will be one day.  

I read somewhere that a bit of each pregancy's DNA stays in the mother's brain cells.  No matter what, they are all with me and will be even when I am dead and gone.    They are made of my cells and Nick's cells and we will always carry us in thier bodies.  And our grandchildren if there are ever any.

But to think that my mom had my DNA in her body and her mother had my mom's and on back into the beginning of time.  Time travel is real.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I wish I knew

 I've been thinking about what to write for the last few days.  Pandemic.  Isolation.  Working on puzzles.    Cold weather and the beauty of the snow.

Then yesterday I learned that a friend had died.   His name is/ was David Heagy.  We knew him from the Unitarian church I started  to attend in 1998.  I first met him at a circle dinner.   That's where people from the church announce that they are hosting a dinner and they have a certain number of seats available and if you RSVP and they have space you go.   I attended several of these.

Some time later, Nick and I were invited to join a dinner group that called itself the "extended family" and alternately the "BGs" (blessed group).   We have been in the extended family group for somewhere between 10 and 15 years.

At one point, I was the person who kept track of who was hosting, and who had not hosted or who had hosted,  David took over this job when I asked him for help managing ,

David was a great organizer and kept track of everyone's schedule every year and also keeping us up to date on how everyone was doing.

And now, David is gone. David and his wife Lily were an integral part of the "family" .  And now, Lily is alone.   With Covid, I don't even know if Lily was able to spend any time in person with David.

Here's to a friend.  A man with boundless energy.  He and Lily traveled all over the world, often bicycling around the countryside of the places they visited.

David is the only person I know personally who was at Woodstock!  As I recall, he told us that he was newly out of the US Marine Corp and he went with a friend.  David said he thought he was the only person there in a button down shirt!

  David's pictures and words lovingly lifted from his Facebook page

David Heagy

AruhtgusSteso taSp1o6gs, nsador2rei0g14dSh  · 

Dav

Me in front of the house on Pucky Huddle Road, Bethel, NY Aug 16 1969
Hair getting longer after leaving Camp Lejeune in March. Still in cultural transition. You can tell by the button down oxford shirt- the only one at Woodstock.

— in 

Bethel, New York

.

I have not said why David died.  Well, who knows why.  But how he died is a sad and also almost ordinary story.  On December 20, 2020, David fell on the stairs in his house.  His wife heard him and when she went to see what happened, she found him on the floor with blood on his head. 

David was in the hospital and then eventually moved into a rehabilitation center.  He was receiving physical therapy, and last week there was some hope that he was making some gains in recovering some of his cognitive abilities.

And then, yesterday , he died.

Photos lifted from David's Facebook page

David and Lily dancing at the Alvin Ailey Ball at Kennedy Center 2014

Hiking 2017 (I am not sure where)

David was an award winning photographer. I choose not to borrow any more of his photos. 

Goodbye David.  We will miss you terribly