Feeling old

 Yesterday I wrote on Facebook that I am officially old.   That's how I feel much of the time these days.

The truth is I am tired.  Exhausted even.   And then, of course, I feel guilty for feeling tired because (in my mind) I am not doing anything so I shouldn't be tired.    But I am.

Even though from the outside I don't seem to be doing much of anything, I am.  Went to Portland.  Did a lot of cleaning and organizing.  Left early because the kids had covid.  

Chance and I did so much work at Courtney's house.  We didn't have to, but we wanted to.  The clutter and disorganization ate at my energy.  I know that what works for one person/ family/  household, is not necessarily what works for anyone else.  Actually, as hard as we worked, it energized me to feel productive.    I am fairly certain that the organization I left in place has been undone by now, or will be soon.  I have to remind myself that it's not a judgement of me.  I "shouldn't" feel disrespected.   And I don't exactly.  I just feel like it is hard for anyone to feel the way I do.    

Not going to try to elaborate any more, it's exhausting.

Thursday morning, Nick and I got our most recent Covid booster shot.   Thursday evening I went to my first La Leche League meeting in over 2 years.  Thanks pandemic!   It was a very small meeting.  Myself and one other, brand new LLL Leader, and a mom with her 6 week old baby.  It was a new meeting place- in a church nursery school room which was great.  But I was feeling overwhelmed.  I think that the shot was making me tired. The room felt hot (maybe also from the shot) and I felt out of practice is that's possible.   

After the meeting, when we went outside, it was dark out, and I had to drive home in the dark.   I have not driven in the dark for a while, and definitely not for any distance.  It was really stressful.  I felt lost.  I felt like I was driving blind. If we were still living in our house in Reston, it would have been a short drive and I am sure it would have been fine.  But we live farther away now and have to drive on fast, busy roads.

Anyway, I just felt so old and out of it when I got home. I know that the vaccination had something to do with how I was feeling.

I started entertaining the thought of retiring from La Leche League. A feeling I never thought i would experience.  How depressing.   I am closer to 70 than 30.  I am old enough to be some of these women's grandmother.  But I do feel like I have a lot to offer.   I need to work through my funk. 

It's complicated