Chance and I are heading to Portland, Oregon in a few days. We are going to house and cat sit for Courtney while she goes to Burning Man Chance will be there (in Oregon) for a week. The original plan was for me to stay for an additional week, leaving for Virginia when Courtney and Zach get home.
Courtney was recently diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She knew that she would be having a thyroidectomy (surgical removal of her thyroid ) and the plan was for me to fly back to Portland and be there for her surgery.
Change of plans. Courtney's surgery has been scheduled for exactly one week after I was scheduled to leave Portland. So now it looks like I will be staying in Portland a little while longer. I just booked an Air B&B for that week.
I love Portland, and I know everything will be fine. But I am nervous. Nervous about my child (yeah she's 44, she's still my baby) having surgery. Nervous about being away from home ,and wondering if I will be there long enough.
Shortly after I get back to Virginia, Nick and I are going on a cruise, leaving September 23rd.
I am stressing about things that I probably don't need to stress about, but I am.
Bird feeders. I have a ton of bird feeders in the back yard. Not really a ton, but more that 10. I make sure that they are filled- and they are rarely empty. I currently am feeling unmotivated to fill the feeders even thought they are getting very low on seed. We left for three weeks when we went to Maine and the feeders didn't get filled. The birds forgave me and returned when I resumed feeding them. I could ask someone (Nick) to fill them but I don't have the patience to explain what goes into which feeder, or how to clean and re-fill the bird bath. Explaining things to a person who doesn't understand or comprehend what you are saying is exhausting and frustrating. It's easier just to leave it.
Here's the thing: I have the bird feeders for selfish reasons I suppose. The birds were doing fine before I started to feed them and the will do fine without me. But it gives me pleasure and meaning and a connection. I care. enjoy the birds. I feel very Zen and very useful when I feed the birds. And there are so many birds or various colors, sizes and sizes sounds. It is meaningful to me. Trying to explain all of it takes the joy out of it.
Houseplants. Somewhat the same as the bird feeders. I water the plants. I trim them and move them to maximize their sun exposure. I know the story of each plant. Where it came from. How we got to be in possession of each one. The coleus needs to be watered frequently to be happy. The orchids do not like wet feet- they like to dry out a bit between watering times. There is plant food for every one of the plants. The "regular" plant food is suitable for most of them, but the orchids have their own special food.
The plants outside need care too. The tomatoes need deep watering early in the day or they wilt and don't produce much of anything. My potted plants in the front and the back need to be watered almost daily- more often if it has been hot and dry out.
The plants will live or die if they are not treated right. I know this and I care. They may not be very animated, but they are alive and they depend upon being cared for. They are domestic plants. That means we planted them and created these lives that are dependent upon us.
How do you explain all of this to someone who either really doesn't care or maybe just doesn't understand. Or someone who doesn't think you know what you are taking about.
So I will leave minimal instructions. "don't forget to water my plants".
Mothering is about paying attention to little details. It's about caring. And occasionally, benign neglect.
I am going away. I am coming back. I am going away again. Then I hope to be home and settled into my knitting and TV watching.
It will be okay
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