This and That

 I wrote to a friend this morning telling her that I stay up too late every night and get up too early every morning.  It is usual for me, in the morning, to come downstairs, fix my cup of coffee and Buddy' food.  If it's not raining or too cold, I take my coffee and the dog's food onto the deck.  I sit and sip while he chows down.   It's a nice routine.   

Buddy is our "baby".   He follows us around the house.  Gets very excited when we ask if he wants to go for a walk or to Starbucks, where he gets a "pup cup".   Maybe it is partly because he is more than likely our last pet.  Or because the kids are all grown, though heaven knows that still seem to need us.  There is just something special about the relationships between humans and their fur babies.

After coffee and doing dog "duty", I usually come in, have a second cup of coffee and sit in my recliner, which almost always makes me nod off.

I try reading or knitting a bit in between my eyes closing and my "snorting" snore.  But I feel self conscious, or guilty or something.  That's because I feel like I will be seen as lazy.  Which I am of course, but I feel judged.  When I am at home all alone I rarely feel guilty of not doing anything.  But I know that I am probably being more judgemental about myself than anyone else.

When we had a house full of kids, I used to keep the house pretty clean.  I had a bit of a routine.  Laundry on certain days.  Sheets and towels once a week.   Meals every night.  We had a calendar/ schedule of meals so each kid got to choose the meal one night a week.  We were not inflexible, but, organized.

I know that one of the reasons I kept the house clean was because I felt that it was one of the things I could control.  Most of the time.   

Kids activities and kids moods were often unpredictable.   Someone might be sick and throw everything else off.  But being a little bit out of kilter was okay.  I have written a couple of things about cleaning house.  I think that one of my motivators was anger.  I would feel angry that I felt that the cleaning was "my job".  I resented Nick and the kids for not seeing the dirt and not doing more of what I thought needed to be done.  Thing is, I think I was mostly angry with myself for setting such high standards for myself and the kids and not being able to live up to them.

I think I am a good teacher, mentor and a guide to do things.  At times I just want to be the boss.  Tell everyone what to do and how to do it.  Ia m not so good at that.  As the kids got older and smarter and more independent it got harder.

And now, I think that I am probably on full on passive aggressive mode and nobody notices.  The other day I cleared off the whole kitchen counter and sprayed granite cleaner on it.  I wiped it all clean.  I made it so that there were not "bumps", pieces of food or any sticky spots.  Smooth and clean.  And while doing this I was muttering under my breath "bunch of slobs don't even notice the dirt".  Well I guess they don't.  Or it doesn't bother them.  But it bothers me and it bothers me that it doesn't bother them.  There I said it!