I often find myself thinking thought of what if I was not here. Sort of like George Bailey in it's a wonderful life. He is shown what his town and the people in it would be like if he had never been born.
I think things like "If I was not here. would anyone ever fill the napkin holder, or the salt shakers. Would the sheets ever get changed on the beds? Would towels be washed? How about the trash cans in the bathrooms. Would they ever get emptied? There are so many things that I do that are not noticed. I guess that means I am doing a good job. Keeping the house running smoothly.
I listen to the dog whining to get let out and I feel like I am the only one who notices.
I set myself up for these feelings. I hold things in until they become resentments. Which is not really fair. Nick does a lot. He does all of the grocery shopping. He works in the kitchen, cooking, loading and unloading the dishwasher.
I guess for anyone to live with another person is going to have it's challenges. when we were first married, I used to get so mad at all sorts of stuff. Instead of communicating and saying what is bothering me and maybe suggesting solutions, I just got mad. Why do you do this or that.
I know that some of my feelings are just a part of who I am. But I think that a lot of the "stuff" that triggers me is the unfairness in the world. Cancer has robbed a dear friend of her ability to get up and walk and do the things she wants to do. I cannot understand how she manages, except there's not really any choice other than to manage. I know she cries and has some rough days. I think she is amazing. If it was me (well who knows really) I imagine that I would be screaming at everyone all the time. And maybe she does, or at least in her mind she does.
The other person I am stressing about a the moment is someone I have know since she was a kid and used to hang out with my kids. Her mother and I are friends too. We all met at the UU church. And now, she has breast cancer at the age of 38. She is facing chemo, radiation, mastectomies and it all could cost her her life.
Something else I just learned about yesterday has to do with brain tumor. Amber is a woman I have not met in person. We are both on the same Meningioma Facebook group. She and I both had these brain tumors close together in time, and we were both treated at Johns Hopkins. That was all nine years ago. She was a breastfeeding mom, so in addition to dealing with the stress of having a brain tumor you have to worry about your baby. She and I have both been going for routine MRIs every year.
This is what she wrote two days ago:
"9 years post radiation for a cavernous sinus meningioma (no surgery) and recent MRI showed growth. Looks like 8mm in one direction and 2 in another. I have an appointment with the radiation oncologist tomorrow but I remember them saying if there was growth the next step would be “salvage surgery”. It is touching my optic nerve and partially encasing the carotid artery. From what I’ve read this is a pretty risky area to operate in."
It's scary, this living stuff.
Then, just to remind me of how great Nick is and how much he does, I go in the yard and look at all of the beautiful flowers he has planted.
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