Interesting Question

 I was on a Zoom call last evening with a group of La Leche League alumina.  All of us have been LLL Leaders, but most on this call are retired from out LLL work.  The group is called "Friends of la Leche League.

We try to have the get togethers once a month.  The topic this month was "what are you doing for yourself?  How are you taking care of yourself?    

I was at a loss.  I did say that I write and I knit and that's for me.   But how do I keep myself "full"?  

It made me think of a meeting we had with a therapist over 30 years ago- in fact, I was pregnant with now 32 year old, Chance.    

Nick said he had a couple of friends and if one dies he'll have room for another one.   After the meeting he asked me if that was too weird a response!

I said I am a La Leche League Leader and I get my satisfaction from that.  The therapist persisted and asked when I do for ME.  I am not sure that many people outside of LLL can really understand how it works.   You start out as one of the moms- making friends with like minded moms.  Then it evolves.  The kids grow up, but the LLL relationships remain strong.  We have all been in similar situations.   Following our instincts.  Learning from our children what is important; caring, loving listening.    When you are having a bad day you can lean on other LLL moms.

SO, now, what do I do for myself now?  I knit.  I watch TV.  I write here in my blog.   I read.  I connect with the people who are the most important to me.  My husband, my sister, my friends.

And I ponder.   I write to my kids and for the most part I do not get any answers.  (there are exceptions).  When I write to someone- friend or family- and I don't hear back, I feel so sad.  I have gone to the effort to reach out and there's no response.  I feel like an afterthought.  I guess that's the way the world works.

I used to be such a prolific writer before the internet.  I wrote letters all the time to everyone we  konw.   I kept in touch- in way that felt tangible.

I want tp put a picture to this blog post but am not sure what picture to use.  I'll think of something.

is it spring? summer?

 We have had weather that's been hot- in the 80s and then tonight it is down to about 40°.   Things have bloomed and stopped blooming in time for the next crop of blooming plants.    We got it right this year.

Last fall, Nick planted daffodils and tulips.  First the daffodils gave a wonderful show and as they were fading the tulips were blooming.  The flowers are all gone from the tulips now.  Some from the wind, but most, I suspect, from being eaten by deer and rabbits.   Now we have irises in bloom!    

The pink petals have all fallen off of the cherry tree and look like a pink puddle under the tree.

I am not much of a gardener.  I do enjoy looking at all of the flowers.  And I do grow some in pots outside when it gets warm enough.  I have too many house plants.  I just can't help it.

I don't understand why it is so much easier to fall as you get older.  And more dangerous.   I fell the other day when I was filling the bird feeders.  I couldn't get myself up so I called Nick and he came outside to help me.  

 

 

 

Temperature blanket

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Dale

 My bother, Dale Alan Thompsen was born April 9,1950, Easter Sunday. 

This year is the first time Easter Sunday has fallen on April 9th since 1950. My brother would be 73 this year. He was 51 when he died.

 

Feeling Invisible

 I often find myself thinking  thought of what if I was not here.  Sort of like George Bailey in it's a wonderful life.  He is shown what his town and the people in it would be like if he had never been born.

I think things like "If I was not here. would anyone ever fill the napkin holder, or the salt shakers.   Would the sheets ever get changed on the beds?  Would towels be washed?   How about the trash cans in the bathrooms.  Would they ever get emptied?  There are so many things that I do that are not noticed.  I guess that means I am doing a good job.  Keeping the house running smoothly.   

I listen to the dog whining to get let out and I feel like I am the only one who notices.    

I set myself up for these feelings.  I hold things in until they become resentments.   Which is not really fair.  Nick does a lot.  He does all of the grocery shopping.  He works in the kitchen, cooking, loading and unloading the dishwasher.   

I guess for anyone to live with another person is going to have it's challenges.  when we were first married, I used to get so mad at all sorts of stuff.    Instead of communicating and saying what is bothering me and maybe suggesting solutions, I just got mad.  Why do you do this or that. 

I know that some of my feelings are just a part of who I am.  But I think that a lot of the "stuff" that triggers me is the unfairness in the world.  Cancer has robbed a dear friend of her ability to  get up and walk and do the things she wants to do.  I cannot understand how she manages, except there's not really any choice other than to manage.  I know she cries and has some rough days.  I think she is amazing.  If it was me (well who knows really) I imagine that I would be screaming at everyone all the time.   And maybe she does, or at least in her mind she does.

The other person I am stressing about a the moment is someone I have know since she was a kid and used to hang out with my kids.  Her mother and I are friends too.  We all met at the UU church.  And now, she has breast cancer at the age of 38.  She is facing chemo, radiation, mastectomies and it all could cost her her life.  

Something else I just learned about yesterday has to do with brain tumor.  Amber is a woman I have not met in person.  We are both on the same Meningioma Facebook group.  She and I both had these brain tumors close together in time, and we were both treated at Johns Hopkins.  That was all nine years ago.  She was a breastfeeding mom, so in addition to dealing with the stress of having a brain tumor you have to worry about your baby.    She and I have both been going for routine MRIs every year.  

This is what she wrote two days ago:

"9 years post radiation for a cavernous sinus meningioma (no surgery) and recent MRI showed growth. Looks like 8mm in one direction and 2 in another. I have an appointment with the radiation oncologist tomorrow but I remember them saying if there was growth the next step would be “salvage surgery”. It is touching my optic nerve and partially encasing the carotid artery. From what I’ve read this is a pretty risky area to operate in."

It's scary, this living stuff.

Then, just to remind me of how great Nick is and how much he does, I go in the yard and look at all of the beautiful flowers he has planted.