Wednesday, March 29, 2023

So many thoughts going through my head

 

 

 I have been feeling sad and angry about cancer.  The lives it has effected and is effecting friends who are dealing with it right now and all of the friends I have lost to the damn disease. 

I feel so powerless.  I cannot stop it.  I cannot cure it.  I don't pray so I cannot pray it away.   

How many friends have I lost over the last few years.  I thought about listing them by name, but that's too depressing and sad.  And depressing.

A few, my sister included, have fought it and won.  My own daughter too.

But the others.  I just don't know.  I wish I had all the power in the world to make it all better.  Kiss it and make it go away like a boo boo on a little child.  But it doesn't work that way.

One dear friend has cancer and has been working so hard to get better.  She has physical and occupational therapies.   She could be my daughter, age wise. She has two little girls in addition to two sons in their 20s.  She wants to be able to mother and they deserve a mother, but what can be done?  I don't know.  We exchange emails every day and when I don't hear from her I worry that she might be in the hospital.

A young woman who I have known since she was 14 was recently diagnosed with a particularly vicious for of breast cancer.  My sister and I went to Baltimore to help with the major cleaning project that needs to be done on her house before she can start chemo.  Our contribution was doing loads and loads of laundry at a laundromat, with her mother.  If I was younger and fitter I might have offered to help with the physical labor required to clean out her house.  But I just can't.

So I play "wordle" on the computer every day.  I play solitaire on my cell phone.  I watch TV and I knit.  I am trying to get more walking in.  So far I am not great, but better than in the past.

I know that everyone has to die at some point.  Even me!  But I feel like I have a high number of dead friends.  I guess what that means is that I have a lot of friends!




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