Pondering

 Five kids.  We have five adult children.  And I think about them all every day and probably will all of my life.

When I take the dog, Buddy out, I talk to him in a sweet voice (most of the time) and I wonder if the kids ever remember me speaking to them like that.  I know I raised my voice way too often.   Raising kids is hard work.  And I probably made it harder because I was so impatient .  

I think of the kids as little kids.  Hard to explain, but when I talk to any of them, even though they are all older than I was when I became a mother, I still see them as babies and toddlers and high school kids needing to be driven to a friend's house

The hours and years just sitting and nursing and staring into each other's eyes.  The milky grin .  The warmth of their sleeping bodies next to mine.   

I know that Nick and I had a lot of impact into their development and personalities.   What I had not figured we would get out of parenting was the impact on who we were, have become and who we are still evolving into.

I picture myself as a young mother, chasing a newly walking, giggling toddler.  Making cookies and pizza together.  Coloring Easter eggs and making Halloween costumes.

All of those,  now in my DNA.   My children did not make me, but they formed me as a person.

They are such amazing people.  I miss them when we are apart.  I enjoy them when we are together.  

So much energy, physical and mental went into raising these people.   I had not realize what it would really be like.

There's a popular series of "what to expect" books.  But there is no book that can fully predict or realize what it will be like and what it IS like.