Happy Birthday Chance

This sweater was giving to me by a La Leche League friend in Hong Kong, shortly after Chance was born.  Such a tiny sweater I did not think it would fit him.  It's doll size. And yet Chance wore that sweater for three months.

When Chance was born, we were in the hospital for 10 days.  I think.  It's a bit of a blur.    It was a scary time.  

I honestly did not know if either Chance or I would survive.  I had a caesarian under general anesthesia.    Before I was knocked out I remember thinking that if we did not survive, the bigger kids would be alright.  Nick would take good care and raise them as a loving father.  I felt a real peaceful, calm wash over me when I faced that reality.  That I might never wake up.  When I did wake up, the first thing I remember asking the nurse was "is my baby alive?".    

All of my children are precious.  All of them were such wanted and loved babies.  But none of them felt so vulnerable.   So fragile.  Chance and I we were both fragile. I was emotionally fragile and Chance was physically fragile .

Even now, on Chance's 30th birthday, I recall the helplessness I felt in that hospital in Hong Kong.    

In my heart, I see all of my children as newborns.  Nursing for the first time with that serious look on their face.   I love them so much it almost breaks my heart.