still becoming....

 

My sister and I went to the doctor today.  These headaches don't stop, don't go away.  Maybe I should say "this" headache since it is always here.

I was hoping that it was just a medication change that was causing the headache.   I know I have a brain tumor, I know.  I just thought that it was a simple fix I needed.

My doctor said that the tumor is more serious than he thought before. There is edema surrounding the tumor which means that there is some sort of "active process" going on.   Google the words "meningioma" and "edema" together if you want to know more.    Anyway, I am going to have it removed.

My doctor said that he wants me to go to Johns Hopkins.  He will talk to me next week and give me some names of neurosurgeons to contact.   Meanwhile, next week I am seeing a neurologist.   He won't be the one to take care of the tumor per say, but he might be able to help me manage the pain better.

I had planned to go to the gym today.  When I mentioned to my doctor today that I only got dizzy once recently, and that was when I was doing push ups.  He looked at me as though he thought I was crazy.  I have been instructed to stop doing push up or anything else too vigorous.  

Meanwhile, I'm turning 60 in a few weeks.   Wow, I have been working toward this birthday for so long.  I have thought out all of the possible scenarios:  a big party at church like I had for my 50th; a cook out on the deck; dinner with Nick.  I was not planning to have a brain tumor in the middle of all of this.  I was planning to be fit and healthy.  That's why I have been working out so much.  I guess it is a good thing that I have been going to the gym.  I am in better shape than I would have been otherwise.

Now, maybe I will be having my birthday party in the hospital.  We'll see.

I am still confident that I will still be the crazy, goofy me that I am after all of this.  (is there an "after"?  This is now a part of me and my history).  I am worried that I will be gorked out for the rest of my life.  I am afraid of slurred speech and eyes pointing in different directions.  I don't know why I worry about those things.   I just do.   If I don't get this tumor removed though I am really more likely to have issues.   I am already losing words.  Calling things by the wrong name, or forgetting words all together.  Maybe that's part of the aging process anyway.

My head is killing me.  If I shut my eyes, it still hurts as much, but somehow it is less bothersome.    I can sleep without the headache keeping me awake which I am so grateful for.

I am going to bed now.  I will look over my writing in the morning and see if/what needs to be corrected.

Good night!