Monday April 28, 2014

I am having a rotten morning.  No, nothing in my life is bad per say.  Nobody has done anything to upset me.  The things I obsess about, clean house, laundry, yard work.  None of those are bothering me.  Just my head.

Woke up with a screaming headache.  The doctor said that it is common for morning to be the worst as far as headaches.  That has been pretty much true.  But once I am up, have breakfast and move around a bit I feel more human.  This morning is just hurts.  I have been up, eaten, taken drugs, had a shower.   Still in pain.  And very tearful.   I don't cry often or easy, but this morning is different.  A reality day maybe.  Maybe I am starting to admit and accept that I really have a fucking brain tumor.

I think about my kids.  All of them.  Each one.  Who they are.  What they were like when I first met them as newborns and how, without any thoughts of how, the depth of my love, when we met for the first time was so much.  Much more than anyone could have explained to me.  They were all different, each one.   And all unique.  And wonderful.  I would throw my life in front of anything that could harm them.

They all have their own lives now.  They are each unique and oh so individual and wonderful.   I am not ready to leave them yet.  I don't want to be their past.  I want to be their present for a long time to come.

I often say I am not really afraid of death.   I don't really think I am.  Thing is, I am in love with life and not ready to let go yet.  There are too many sunsets and full moons and hot days with nasty bug bites.   So many hugs and kisses.   Scents and sounds and sights.   I am really confident I will get through this whole brain tumor surgery.  It may take a while, but I will recover and live to complain again.   But the reality is, each illness, broken bone, surgery.  Each day lived, is a day closer to not living.  That is just truth.  That is life.  That is why life is so precious and precarious.   That is why we believe in the tooth fairy and Santa Clause.   To postpone the stark realities of life- that we really have very little control, no matter how much we think we do.   This is why religion is so powerful.  It gives meaning to this life.

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I just got off the phone. Had a good cry to my sister and I feel better.  Not too great physically, but, emotionally.  I can do this.  I will make it! 
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