Monday

I feel like I am getting worse.   I don't know if the tumor is growing, or if I am just losing my resiliency or what.  The pain has been feeling stronger than before.  I am feeling nauseated more though I have not thrown up since the other day.

Been on the phone confirming appointments, cancelling other appointments and trying to get things moving.  Dropped out of attending my women's group this evening. I just can't. 

I still feel confident I am going to get better in the long run.  But getting there is a challenge.  It could be worse.  I might get worse before I start recovering.   It just plain old sucks.

At one point, earlier on in the tumor journey, I had thought about writing a letter to each of my kids.  I should say, I mean, I thought about writing individual letters to each of them telling them each, as individuals, how special they are and how wonderful they have turned out.  That they are wonderful adults.  They are all pieces of art and sources of much joy.   Only a parent can understand the depth of these feelings.  The people, children, adults, started out as a promise.  As love and hope shared between the two people who parented them.   I want them all to know that.

I do not want my children to think that they are anything less than amazing miracles.   I don't want them to grow older with guilt or regrets for what they have done, are doing or might do.   

Oh geeze, this sounds like a "good bye".  It is not.  It is just where my mind is taking me.  

Nick and I started out as a couple of dumb kids who thought we owned the world.  Well, we have been less than perfect, god knows.  We have regrets and sorrows and joys as well.   I think we lucked into having such cool kids.   Honestly. who knew?  I cannot speak for Nick, but I know that I wanted to have babies.   To birth them and nurse them and cuddle them and raise them.  The raising them- into adulthood really was not a concept that I grasped.  I just wanted the pregnant and nursing part.  I couldn't think past that when they were born.  Boy was I in for the ride of a lifetime!   ( sometimes, I think we are still a couple of dumb, albeit old, kids)

I am sure it annoys them that I still see them as my babies.   It is not because I do not acknowledge that they are adults.   Not at all.   It is because I was the  first person to know them and feed them and love them unconditionally.  Of course Nick's feelings are pretty intense too- I just cannot write his words and feelngs, only my own.

Each one of our kids grew inside of me.  Was a part of me.  Was nourished, first by my body from inside the womb and then at the breast.  When they were nursing, we were one again.  An inseparable unit.   I miss that, but I also treasure that time and know that it is gone.  And I feel lucky

if I am being repetitious, let's blame the tumor!