Nostalgia

 What the heck is nostalgia?

This is from Webster's Dictionary:

Nostalgic Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster

Nostalgic means feeling or inspiring nostalgia, which is a longing for or thinking fondly of a past time or condition. Learn more about the word history, synonyms, examples, and usage of nostalgic from Merriam-Webster dictionary.

 So often we talk about the good old days and how life was simpler, kinder, safer.  When Nobody locked their doors and everyone was a kind, good neighbor.

I get it.  I do.  I think wistfully of when my kids were little.  Especially when they were babies.   Cute expressions.  The way they mispronounced words that have become a part of our daily vocabulary.  

But, not to be a Debbie downer, there was some not so good old days too.   We don't talk about that.  Or dwell on it.  It feels kinder and happier to think about the sweet things.  The smell of coffee at Grandma's house.   Fresh baked pies.   Hand made blankets.  Both of my grandmothers were the same in these ways.  They were bussomy and hug-gable.  But very different too.  They both kept their doors locked.   

I occasionally try to conjure up some of these wonderful memories we are all meant to have.  Yes, there were some good times as a child.  I loved swimming in the summer.   Playing outdoors all year 'round   But there were dark times too.

I think sweetly of my babies.  Nuzzling at the breast.  Sleeping in the bed with Nick and I.  First smiles and first steps are all planted in my thoughts.   And I wish my kids could know that amazing feeling of being a parent.  I know that Darcy will experience it.   

The joy, exhaustion, frustration, sadness and yes, ever anger at things out of your control.

I yelled at my kids and said mean things to them.  For that I will be eternally sorry.  I know that they hold onto the feelings of my frustration and  I hope that they cane forgive me.  I don't offer any excuses.   Just regrets.

I hope that they remember the back rubs and bedtime stories and home made Halloween costumes.  And the silly laughter.  and the serious talks.

Do I have a legacy?   I don't know, but I hope that my legacy to my children is of Love.