It's almost Thanksgiving

 So many thoughts going through my mind that I seem to just skip writing because I don't know where to start.

The other day, when I got up and took Buddy outside, it was cool and windy and I thought about how beautiful the fall leaves are.  Even as they are blowing off the trees, they are something to admire and enjoy.

It's the time of the year when I get all confused about what I feel.  I have dreaded this time of year.  Not because of the shorter days and the cold weather.  But because there are so many events to figure out. Obligations to family and self.   

None of the kids live with us any more.  They live all over the place.  None of them are coming home to our house for Thanksgiving this year.  we are driving to North Carolina (with Buddy) to have Thanksgiving with Darcy and Jody and much of Jody's family.   I am taking along some gluten free things- stuffing and pies.  

We have had so many Thanksgivings together, Nick and I.   We usually would go to Nick's parent's house, or my mom's place.  And later we had family to our house.  In laws, parents, kids, cousins (the kid's cousins not mine).   It could be busy, messy and chaotic.  And I loved it!

Christmas has always been more complicated.  What to get for who.  There were the years when we were in the States, and Nick would go to Toys R Us for some midnight shopping.  He would get some fun stuff for the kids.  I was more practical, giving underwear and socks.  Some clothes and books.   Our Christmas mornings were fun.  

We have a system that stared I guess when the kids were old enough to understand and occasionally take directions.  The gifts were opened one and a time. from the youngest to the oldest.   Then the kids (and maybe me) would throw the wrapping paper at Nick- as he held the big trash bag.

I like to think that our kids enjoyed their Christmases growing up.   I often tell people that our best holiday seasons were when we were overseas.   Depending on where we lived and what the social life was, we didn't feel the rush to visit this and that grandparent.  No hurt feelings.  

I guess a lot of these feeling I have start with Halloween.  I have written about this before.  I always made the kids' Halloween costumes.  Every year.  I was so busy sewing and first getting idea from the kids of what they wanted to be.  It was so much work.  But so much love went into all of that sewing.   I know at times I felt overwhelmed, but I never resented it.

The relationships with adult children are so different and complicated than when they were younger.  We had to have enough food in the house for lunches and for all the meals we ate at the kitchen table.  I don't really remember a lot of complaining at the table .  We tried to have a system in which each kid got to choose the dinner meal for one days of the week.  I remember having a calendar on the refrigerator door with the meals for the week or month.  I don't remember.   

And Nick and I.  I somehow don't think of us as "old".  But then I look at pictures of us with the kids when they were young and we were sure a lot younger then too.

I feel more fragile than I once did.  The other day I saw a young person running down a staircase, almost hopping from one step to the next.  And I thought about how I used to be able to do that.   now I hold tight to the banister and go slow.  And I know I will get more fragile and feel more fragile.

We have an under the bed storage box with wrapping paper in it.   I tried to bend down to see if it was there.  I kind of thought I could see it.  So I got down on my knees (ouch) and then flattened myself even further down so I could reach under the bed to pull it out.   And as I lay on the floor, fishing the box of wrapping paper out from under the bed, I wondered how I was going to get back up.  Or if I would even be able to.  Nick was out and I was home alone.  And I did not have a phone near me.

Obviously I did get up off the floor and eventually a standing position.  But wow, if you had told me 20 or 30 years ago that this would be how I am doing now, I don't think I would have paid attention.  I probably would have just let the words fly through the air not even touching my consciousness.

So now to bed.   Baking in a couple of days.  And sharing a meal and giving thanks for the people we love and care about.