Ok, here I go again

Last night I turned the TV off at 10:00pm so I would get to bed early.  Did I?  Go to bed that is?  No.  I was up way too late.  Woe is me, why do I do it?  And then, once I am asleep, I get woken up at 5am by Buddy the dog who needs to go out and pee.   Yup.  That's my life.

I turned 59 this week.  I am not sure what that means in terms of how I am supposed to feel/ live/ act.   It's hard for me to get anyone to commiserate when most of the people in my life that I am close to are older than I am.   And the moms I help, well, they are all a lot younger.  I am the age of their moms.  Or older.

I have been spending a lot of time pondering.  That sounds better that saying that I have been sitting in front of the TV eating junk and watching old episodes of Law and Order.   At least I am getting some knitting done, so I don't [usually] feel like a total slug.

I have fallen down on the job of going to the gym and getting to weight watchers.  I think I will, then I do something else, then I tell myself that it is too late and I'll go tomorrow.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

I know that a part of my funk is because Nick is going overseas soon and I am worried about him.  About his health and safety.   And I will miss him a whole lot.  We make each other laugh.   We hold hands.   We belong together.

I yelled at Nick this evening to turn down the TV while I answered the phone.  I felt bad and told him I was sorry.  I don't yell any more.  Not much and not often anyway.  I used to yell a lot.  A whole lot.    I don't know if I am just worn out and don't want to waste my energy yelling.  Or is it that when the kids were little, I was worked to the end of my patience and yelled out of frustration?  Or am I just more mellow?  I don't know.  I do know that yelling makes me feel bad.   Too bad I didn't figure that out 30 plus years ago.

There is some beautiful stuff going on in the yard.  The red maple trees are all leafed out and are beautiful.  The azaleas are in their glory.  The irises are starting to bloom and are really strutting their stuff.   The two lilac bushes in the back yard have pretty, fragrant flowers.  All of the pink petals on the dogwood came off in the rain the last few days, so there is a scattering of pink on the ground under the kitchen window.

I have been busy busy busy with new moms and babies.  March was the busiest I have ever been.  But the past couple of weeks are up there.   So many moms.  I feel so good when I make a follow up call and things are going well for the nursing couple.  So often the moms tell me that my visit made all the difference.  I am so lucky!  It is especially rewarding when I hear from a mom who seems like she was really going to stuggle to succeed and she tell me that she is really enjoying nursing and everything is going great.   Wow!

Nick is in bed watching a DVD of Corner Gas.  His bedtime show.   I think I will go lie down and see if I can cuddle up with him and go to sleep.  Nite nite!