Grief and sadness hit whenever they hit. Like a wave, hitting you when your back is to the sea. Not quite knocking you over but making you feel a little unsteady.
Just a week ago I posted the obituary of a long time friend. Of course with Alzheimer' s she has been "lost" for a while. Not ale to participate in our weekly Zoom meetings or our Facebook and email connections. She knew that this was coming and she told us. Even so, it is a hard reality to accept.
Today is Easter Sunday. We don't celebrate it any more. It used to be all about Easter Baskets and egg hunts. My mom gave the kids some cute baskets one year that a friend of her had made. I have lots of memories of Easter and coloring eggs but that it not what this is about. It's about grief.
Two days ago, March 29, 2024 marked the twentieth anniversary of my mother's death. It is so unbelievable she has been gone for so long. I still miss her and I suppose I always will.
Sometimes we joke about how my mom didn't have any filters. She just said whatever she was thinking. Often what she said was not really welcome. Sometimes she made me mad.
My kids all believed that the reason we got caller ID, before it was the norm, was so I would know when my mom was calling and not answer. The truth is, there were times when I saw her name on the phone and think "oh god what does she want now?" And there were times when I got off the phone with her, upset by our conversation.
But one thing I do know. My mother loved me with all her heart. She loved my sister and brother as well. Of that there was never any doubt.
One time, when I was dealing with a sick baby my mom gave me some unwelcome and unhelpful advice. I was so upset that I felt broken. I didn't know what to do. I called her back and told her that we couldn't talk any more if she couldn't support me. She cried and I cried and she told me that the only reason she said what she did was because she was worried and scared.
I hope that my children all know that I love them with all my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment