And life goes on

 Even after your friend dies, even when your parents die, even after you die, the world keeps turning and life goes on.    

This past week, another dear friend told me that she was recently diagnosed with stage 4 mantel cell, Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

I know that the longer I live life will be full of more and more loved ones and acquaintances dying.   I am right this minute feeling sad about it all.   Missing people who I was not ready to lose.   Are you ever ready to lose a loved one?   

It's funny to look at the differences between Nick and myself.  Here I sit at my keyboard looking at yarn and knitting projects.   Fabric too.   I ordered myself a potholder loom and loops this week.    I have not made potholders since I was around 10.  Yet somehow I want to do it again.

Nick on the other hand, looks at travel websites.   He books cruises, sometimes in his imagination and sometimes he gets all of the information and tells me in all seriousness what he wants to do and how he is planning it all out.    I know that he would like me to go.  I hope that I can join him soon.  But for now I am worried about Covid and traveling.  And I am content to stay home with Buddy, the dog, and knit and watch TV.    And honestly I look forward to being at home alone.   No, I don't want to get rid of Nick and I hope it doesn't sound that way.

Nick's parents did a lot of traveling after they retired.  They told Nick to travel while he is able to.   Yesterday Nick expressed it in a way that really hit home for me.  He said that when his mom was lying in that bed, dying, she would have loved to be able to just get up and travel just one more time.  I have to respect and honor that.    If it is that important to him then it is important to me too.

I saw this cartoon and sent it to Nick- he has printed it out:  

Meanwhile, I had a little bit of an epiphany  I feel the lack of grandchildren profoundly.   I know that it is not my children's job or responsibility to have children to make me happy.   But it occurred to me that while aging is a reality call that life ends for everyone. Grandchildren are an affirmation of life.    They are a positive and glowing light to is life itself.

I got this picture from my daughter in law, Kim.  It's me at Christmas time this year.  It's not necessarily a beauty shot, but I really like it.  I look my age, which is not quite old but definitely not at all young.   Leaning more toward old and probably what my grandchildren (if there are any) will remember me as.   

It strikes me funny when I think back to when I was a little kid how young my mother was.  I always thought she was so old.  But looking back, she was not.   When I was 43, my daughter's age now, I had a 20 year old adult child.   Amazing.   No, I do not have any regrets about having any of my children.  I only have regrets that I was not more kind and patient and didn't work harder at having fun!

And so it goes